I am depressed. I am considering

I am depressed. I am considering suicide. I have pills hidden, an inhaler tucked away, my notes written, and a blade that are all to be used for the day when i finally give up. I cut, but rarely bleed, i cut the skin off my feet; thin enough to hurt like hell with every step but thick enough to stay hidden from my parents. I do not believe in God, yet i attend church and say grace with my family and at my friends house. When i was in fifth grade, my mom told me to give her the sick and broken duckling while i slept so i didn’t crush it. i didn’t and when i woke up he was underneath me; i told my mom that i had woken up with him in my lap but he was dead. I was the one who killed my friend’s dog, I let go of the leash. I hate where i live and when my only friend moves away there is a good chance of me going numb. I was bullied so badly that i quit going to school and am now home schooled, i told my parents that i was just tired of trying to decipher pigeon talk during class. I have not cried in one year and three months; not when my brother broke my toe, not when my friend sent me pictures of her bloody wrist criss crossed with new and old scars, not when i was told my great grandma is getting sick. I have been accused of being heartless and pride myself for my ‘stone’ face. i am fourteen years old and live in Hawaii. I have been falsely accused of being racist and have had racist comments thrown my way. My seven year old sister was attacked on her way home form school and told that she was a “F*****’ b**** w**** who needed to die in pit with your f*****’ family too.” by a third grader who as she was leaving screamed “rot in hell b****.” at her and all i did was tell my sister to stop crying. I like it when my dad is deployed, i still love him but i don’t like him in our house. I am not afraid of death.

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