My father licked me and sucked my c******* and I craved it. Was I two? Three? I do not know but it was the best feeling on earth. I loved it so much.

I’d prefer to stay anonymous, so I won’t be sharing my real name. Tomorrow is my birthday or technically today, since as I’m writing this, it’s 12:22 am, May 27, 2026. I’m turning 19. I’ve been suicidal for as long as I can remember. I keep thinking back to this memory of when I was a child back in Egypt where I’d play around in the balcony. Back then, we had this small house and, like every poor family in Egypt, our family air-dried our clothes, so we had ropes outside our balcony for this. When I was young, I liked to push myself on top of them and balance myself. I kept doing so until I almost fell once and my neighbor told me to get off. I always visit that memory and wish that I felt it then. I haven’t contributed anything meaningful to the world, I’ve only caused pain to family and friends, and honestly, I’m tired. If I wasn’t such a coward I’d have done the job already.

I surprisingly have made a few friends over the years. I don’t think they actually care about me as much as I thought, but at least someone knows I exist. There is this girl I like, or maybe liked. I tried asking her out a few times, which, btw, were probably the worst and most awkward ways a person has been asked out before in the history of humans. I regret a lot of things with her. One was getting so attached to someone without actually being in a relationship with them. Second is making her uncomfortable. It pains me every day that she sees me this way. I’m a very weird person. I believe I have Asperger syndrome. I wasn’t diagnosed by a doctor or psychiatrist, I had always wondered why I wasn’t normal like everyone else and did my own research, but I wasn’t completely sure I had it. Also, I didn’t want to be one of those annoying kids who try to get attention by telling everyone about their so-called depression and exaggerating stories. I had this English teacher, and she said she had it, so one day I scheduled a private meeting with her and asked her about it. Once I talked with her, I realized this is exactly who I am. I’m sitting in front of this woman who, mentally, is basically a carbon copy of myself. I also have ADHD, which is the one I asked my doctor about. I got prescribed Adderall for it, and it actually helped a lot. Temporarily, my grades got better, and I was actually able to focus on class, but it all came crashing down.

To be honest, I’m not sure if I am capable of feeling happiness or joy, I feel like I either just exist, or I’m sad. I don’t know any other emotions besides that. Currently, I’m a nursing student in New Mexico, USA. I have a 4.0 program GPA and a 3.7 overall GPA (took some history classes, not my best subject). I thought OKAY! Maybe focusing on this, and if I become a nurse and help people, I can feel happy or satisfied or proud or something, but nope.

I don’t really have anyone, Tbh I feel like my parents couldn’t care less about me. I haven’t had a single conversation with my parents since I was born, sometimes now, and I don’t understand it, my mom tries to act like a mom, not sure if that makes sense, like she tries to talk to me, but honestly it just makes me frustrated, and I don’t understand why. My father left us about 3–4 years back. I didn’t really care. All he did was hit my mom, brother, and I. He tries to get in contact me every few months, but I couldn’t care less.

I want to go through with it, but I have a lot of responsibilities, even if I don’t like my family, my mother would have to be alone taking care of my brother with cerebral palsy if I was gone, I started a small nonprofit to help some people from the high school I graduated from, and I’m the one practically running everything so that wouldn’t be good. So I’m not sure.Hello, 

I’d prefer to stay anonymous, so I won’t be sharing my real name. Tomorrow is my birthday or technically today, since as I’m writing this, it’s 12:22 am, May 27, 2026. I’m turning 19. I’ve been suicidal for as long as I can remember. I keep thinking back to this memory of when I was a child back in Egypt where I’d play around in the balcony. Back then, we had this small house and, like every poor family in Egypt, our family air-dried our clothes, so we had ropes outside our balcony for this. When I was young, I liked to push myself on top of them and balance myself. I kept doing so until I almost fell once and my neighbor told me to get off. I always visit that memory and wish that I felt it then. I haven’t contributed anything meaningful to the world, I’ve only caused pain to family and friends, and honestly, I’m tired. If I wasn’t such a coward I’d have done the job already.

I surprisingly have made a few friends over the years. I don’t think they actually care about me as much as I thought, but at least someone knows I exist. There is this girl I like, or maybe liked. I tried asking her out a few times, which, btw, were probably the worst and most awkward ways a person has been asked out before in the history of humans. I regret a lot of things with her. One was getting so attached to someone without actually being in a relationship with them. Second is making her uncomfortable. It pains me every day that she sees me this way. I’m a very weird person. I believe I have Asperger syndrome. I wasn’t diagnosed by a doctor or psychiatrist, I had always wondered why I wasn’t normal like everyone else and did my own research, but I wasn’t completely sure I had it. Also, I didn’t want to be one of those annoying kids who try to get attention by telling everyone about their so-called depression and exaggerating stories. I had this English teacher, and she said she had it, so one day I scheduled a private meeting with her and asked her about it. Once I talked with her, I realized this is exactly who I am. I’m sitting in front of this woman who, mentally, is basically a carbon copy of myself. I also have ADHD, which is the one I asked my doctor about. I got prescribed Adderall for it, and it actually helped a lot. Temporarily, my grades got better, and I was actually able to focus on class, but it all came crashing down.

To be honest, I’m not sure if I am capable of feeling happiness or joy, I feel like I either just exist, or I’m sad. I don’t know any other emotions besides that. Currently, I’m a nursing student in New Mexico, USA. I have a 4.0 program GPA and a 3.7 overall GPA (took some history classes, not my best subject). I thought OKAY! Maybe focusing on this, and if I become a nurse and help people, I can feel happy or satisfied or proud or something, but nope.

I don’t really have anyone, Tbh I feel like my parents couldn’t care less about me. I haven’t had a single conversation with my parents since I was born, sometimes now, and I don’t understand it, my mom tries to act like a mom, not sure if that makes sense, like she tries to talk to me, but honestly it just makes me frustrated, and I don’t understand why. My father left us about 3–4 years back. I didn’t really care. All he did was hit my mom, brother, and I. He tries to get in contact me every few months, but I couldn’t care less.

I want to go through with it, but I have a lot of responsibilities, even if I don’t like my family, my mother would have to be alone taking care of my brother with cerebral palsy if I was gone, I started a small nonprofit to help some people from the high school I graduated from, and I’m the one practically running everything so that wouldn’t be good. So I’m not sure.