We have a window that overlooks the next door neighbors house. A few months ago I walked by the window after a shower naked and the teenage boy was

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We have a window that overlooks the next door neighbors house. A few months ago I walked by the window after a shower naked and the teenage boy was standing looking through his window and I knew he could see me clearly.
I acted like I didn’t see him and hid then peeked out the corner. He was still standing there and I could tell what he was doing with his hand. It turned me on so much I had to take care of myself. Afterwards I was so ashamed and afraid my husband would find out.
I closed those blinds but days later I opened them and I could see him looking out. I stripped naked and paraded around acting like I didn’t know he was there but I think he knew he was watching.
I have done this several times. I am 34 and he is just 18 or so. I feel so dirty but I can’t stop doing this. The thought of him getting off watching me is so hot.

New Confession

I don’t trust anyone anymore except for Jason. He’s the only person that I know for a fact will defend me when I’m not in the room. The people that want me to open up are the people that have already left me, or that will leave me as soon as I do. Everyone leaves as soon as I tell them about the abuse from my partner. They take his side or call me a liar and then leave, or if they’re a therapist they just dump me and tell me to find a new one. Nobody is safe except for Jason. He’s the only trustworthy one. He’s the only one whose side I could be on, knowing that he’s on my side too. Even if he didn’t think I was in the right he was still on my side by actually telling me things that I’m not aware of due to my autism or hearing loss or just general confusion. The truth can hurt, but not as much as never knowing where you’re going wrong. I will never trust anyone again except for him. There is nobody else that can convince me that they care about me enough for me to want to live. One of the people that wants me to open up is my ex. Why would I be vulnerable with her when she already left me in favor of someone else? My current partner didn’t even pick me first; He chose someone else, got his heart broken by the cheater, cried in my arms over her, and waited until I was finally moving on from him to tell me that he loved me. Since he’s hit me in anger and told me that he hates me 3 times I seriously doubt that he loves me now. I don’t have a home anymore. Nowhere and nobody is safe. If Jason talked to me I’d be willing to think it might be worth changing my life, but there’s nobody else I want to live for. It took too much work to get to the little bit of happiness I managed to have, and I don’t have it in me to do the work to get to that point again. I got to the top of the hill and the boulder crushed me on the way down. I really feel like I’m in the lonliest hell.

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I Messed up with someone who actually cared I think but problem was I couldn’t handle her problems because I was limited in my life. I Hurt her and ghosted her. I was the problem. If anything i want to apologize. I hope she is happy. But if I s** with her it would had been disrespectful if I did but at the same time offering made me uncomfortable because it should be done with someone you actually want to be with.