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I’ve moved on, and you say you have, or that you’re trying, but I’m how to feel. It feels like you’re trying everything to push me away to avoid responsibility sometimes and then other times you say just the right thing that gives me a speck of hope that you care.

Is communication such a burden? Even if you’re unsure, why is it about everything but the fact you want me gone? Every night I run through the things you said, like “You have exes that’d do anything to have you back” and that just…. Hurts. Like a lot. Because its not true, and we both know that. If people wanted me they wouldn’t do everything to make the world know they hate me.

You’re being like him. You don’t mean to be like him, you can’t avoid it, because you aren’t him, you’re just treating me the same way he treated me. He wanted me to move on, he’d ghost me and stand me up for someone or something else, but at the end of the day when he was bored and there was no other shoulder to lean on, he’d come crawling back. You want me to move on because that’s easy for you. You want to run because its easy.

I’m jealous of you every time you say you want to run. So, so jealous. I can’t run because there’s a chance I’m pregnant because s** was the only way you’d treat me as more than a last resort. I can’t run from that, but you can. Its physically inside me, and its your fault. I told you to stop but no, its hotter when you go against consent. I feel gross about that.

I can’t run away because I have to hold down this job and if I loose it god knows when I’ll scrounge for another. For weeks I work 7 days in a row between real work and genuine hours of school, school that I need to take or I ruin years of my life, but you’re lucky. You can run and drop whatever you want.

You can’t blame me for being jealous that I was serious and you we’re a liar.

Do not blame me for still wishing we can work when you want anything but that, because working is too hard for you.

Find any excuse you want under the sun, but that’s all they’ll ever be.

We didn’t work because you didn’t want to, it wasn’t what I did. It wasn’t that I cared. It wasn’t anything external. You’re just the lucky one who can’t get pregnant and can do whatever you please.

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