I’m still in love with the same girl from high school. The same one who never had the time of day for me, the same one who went out of her way to humiliate me in front of her friend. The same one who once -again- tried to humiliate me in front of everyone at the table when we were at our reunion a couple months back. I was standing around with some friends and she ran up to me. RIGHT up to me and began talking about things that appealed -exclusively- to me. To us. She even asked for my gamer tag. Though looking back I believe she was only pretending to take it down. The c***. Christ. Why does everything have to be so G******* horrible? She sat next to me at that table and attempted to remind everyone of how I got us lost at my birthday. Yeah, I’m sorry. I was like, 16 or something. GPS wasnt really a thing yet. Yeah I could have asked the hotel for directions, but I didn’t think of it. I’m f****** stupid. Sorry. But why would you dredge that up in front of a bunch of assholes that I don’t care whether they live or die? I wish I didn’t love you. And it is love, that we’re taking about here. It has to be. What else could it be? Even though you outed me in front of your best friend who hated me, I didn’t care. I loved you. I was just happy you were talking to me. And yeah, i understood that no girl is OBLIGATED to like someone. But? You then asked if I wanted the Sally doll I gave to you, back. “Why?” I asked. “Oh I ‘unno, to return it for the money or something.” was your reply. I mean, how déclassé can you be? People tell me I’M an insensitive assole? I could never hold a candle to you, you God damned rosary rubbing slut4jesus. It’s like you went out of your way to be offended by every word that came out of my mouth. Why do I give a s*** about you? No matter how hard I tried, I could never overwrite or format over the space you took up inside me. Hell, just last night I had a dream about the two of us saying our goodbyes after leaving HS. The short version is that you and I held each other while in tears for God only knows how long. I told you that “you can’t go El, I love you”. And “I loves ya El. You can’t leave. Ya gotsta stay with me, ya just gotta”. I just held you tightly, sobbing. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you. I awoke, in tears. I didn’t even know people could cry in their sleep. It’s been something like fifteen years since it last happened to me. Holy christ. I am pathetic. I would have eaten my service pistol already if I wasn’t such a god damned coward.
