when i was a little kid, i was s******* abused.
my abuser was a female, as am i, and was close to me, and a little older. she and i played a game that eventually became the way the abuse was done, and how i thought of it. when we played, i thought it was fun, and i always wanted to play that game because it made me feel wanted, made me feel that i was doing something grown up and cool; secret and forbidden.
i’m a grown woman, and i’m queer. i’m terrified that my s******** (how it is expressed, how i view it, how early i came out) could somehow be connected, even superficially, to the abuse.
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I think that I can tell you… the abuse has nothing to do with it. That was a scar of your childhood, and don’t let it be a part of you any more. You are gay because you love women, not because of your abuser.
Let your sexuality be a part of you, not her.
You are beautiful.
I strongly disagree with part of the comment before me. While you should be proud of who you are and you should let your sexuality be a part of you, your past shapes your present. I think it for sure has a connection. I herd victims of abuse will “recreate” the abuse later in life to other people in order to feel in control of the situation and not vulnerable like they were during the abuse. Im not saying you abuse people, Im saying you may seek female to female relationships you can control in order to feel in control of a girl to girl situation to combat the bad feelings of being in a position of abuse.
When I was 8 little boy my neighbor who was 16 asked my parents if I could help him do some yard work he was getting payed for by a old lady down the street, I begged my parents too let me go because I though he was cool and I wanted to do something grown up. After about a half hour of cleaning leaves this kid brought me behind the womans garage and forced me to give him a BJ I was scarred and crying he finished on my face and told me if I told anyone he would make me do it again and being 8 and afraid I believed him, later in life when I was 13 I started having thoughts of giving men oral sex and that feeling started getting stronger and stronger, one day at a family friend house I convinced my friend who was a year younger than me to let me give him a BJ by 18 I had a full time male sexual relationship with a cop in my town that I still see to this day I am now 33 and I often wonder if I was never molested would I of had these feelings or was brought on by the molestation
props to you for speaking up! it’s not easy. i think it’s so easy to be confused about this whole sexual orientation thing when we live in a culture that (mostly) does not support homosexuality or alternative lifestyles. It’s easy to think there is something wrong with you when all around you the message is that gay is wrong. Gay=bad,wrong,evil, etc. It’s also easy to understand your thinking. Maybe your not gay. Maybe your trying to heal the past in your current relationships. Maybe this is something you need to explore. Are you attracted to men? Do you have any male relationships that are great friends? Hows your relationship with your father? i support you for speaking up. it could be the first step in a journey of self-discovery that can lead you to a beautiful, fulfilling, honest life no matter which team you choose. <3
I have a friend who’s bisexual. He told me that when he was younger (about 7ish), an older family friend made him give him oral sex. He was questioning whether or not that incident might have made him bisexual. I still don’t know the answer to that question. Maybe it’s true and maybe incidents early in the brain’s development can “change” a person. Maybe not and we’re missing something. But what I do know is that whatever your sexuality is, accept it, love it, and don’t let anyone put you down for it.
T.A.