I was fired from my job yesterday because i lied to my boss.
I was on the phone on hold, waiting for another page to load to I could print it and mindlessly looking at the internet. I was looking at a site listing local jobs at the time she walked in. I maximized the other page and print when she walked behind me. She left. She came back and asked that I not look for other jobs while at work. She knows i’m looking for other employment in another state. She didn’t know I was looking local too. My instant reaction was to lie. To say I wasn’t doing it. At that point i actually wasn’t, i was just clicking. I told her I wouldn’t do that to her. But i did. She came back and i tried to uphold my story. I didn’t know what else to do. She fired me. Not for the internet but for lying.
I’m the only one that works in my family. My husband just started back teaching next week but I was the one keeping our family going. Now we have nothing. And its my fault.
I’ve been miserable at this job for months because of the bigotry, the bullying, the drama… but it wasn’t the right time to leave. I had sooo much to finish before i wanted to make my exit. There are things I said i had finished but I didn’t… because i had to deal with the drama of that day instead of getting MY job done..It was another lie.
I just wanted to keep my head down, keep doing my job the best i could and then get out.
I know they are going to find all the mistakes I’ve made. I know they are going to find all the emails a coworker and i exchanged about the time my boss hurt my feelings by fat shaming me. I know they are going to think I sucked at doing my job.
And that hurts. It hurts because I hurt them. It hurts because i know i COULD have been good at the job and WAS GOOD at the beginning… But i was SOOO MISERABLE. I woke up every day dreading having to walk through those doors but did because my family needed me to. Because I was the one working to pay the mortgage while my husband stayed home with our baby. That hurt.
It was never an excuse to lie though. I’ve just been trying to hold all the balls up in the air for so long that I panicked.
And because I was miserable for SO long I can’t help but feel a small sense of relief in the fact that its over. That I don’t have to go back there. That I don’t have to deal with the hate, and the stress and the boss who drops the f bomb every other word and nothing is ever good enough for…
I still shouldn’t have lied.
Now we have nothing.
Now we have to start over.
I just don’t know how to let it all go.
