i haven’t gotten my meds for my polycystic ovarian syndrome in 4 months and the symptoms are worse
i want to stop eating
3 of my friends like me and i don’t know how to let them down without breaking their hearts
my self esteem is in the bucket
i am struggling a lot with my s******** and how i identify
i’m afraid that my family would stop caring about me if i were to come out
i’m afraid that all of my friends find me unbearable
whenever i go to someone for help they say they’ll “fix” me as if i’m some broken toy and still they never check up on me or check to see if i’m doing alright because they assume if i haven’t spoken about it or cried in front of them in a long time that i’m magically all better
i have an unhealthy amount of stress because of how much i’ve procrastinated
my grades are terrible
i’m a burden to my family
everything my family says ends up making me upset and uncomfortable
i’m so unused to people touching me that my skin tingles where people have touched me
i’m very ugly and very selfish
i’m afraid that i may come off as pretentious
i sometimes want to stop existing, i don’t want to die and i don’t want to deal with my problems
i just want to disappear for a little bit
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I feel these things too
Hey, hey, hey. Okay. First thing first: take a deep breathe. You’re right, these problems are overwhelming. A lot of them are out of your control, and most of them are things that you do not yet have the powers to solve, or aren’t yet able to help make the situation better.
Let’s break down things that are in our immediate control, and things that aren’t.
So let’s focus on the things that *are* within your powers to change. Your grades is something that you can work on, and the results of your effort can be seen almost instantaneously.
As to beauty: it takes a long time to finally be able to feel better being in your own skin. Nothing at the moment will fix these emotions, but I promise you that it will get better. Once you’re on your own, and you’re dependent on no one else financially, you will be able to explore what feels right, and what makes you feel bleh. It will happen. Until then, hang in there.
As to friends and family: I must say from the self-awareness and concern that you have, you are not at all selfish. It only seems that way because you are at the moment powerless and because of your inability to be oh help, you might seem to think that most of your energy is spent on focusing on just your self, yet you’re confused: if you really are selfish and think only about yourself, then why are there not things that puts you in a better position, or at least be able to do things ghat gives you short-yet-oh-so-gratifying things?
At the end of the day, we have to first seek ourselves; identify the things that matter to you, and what it is that you wish to achieve/become. The rest will follow suit. Friends may change, family might grow to view you differently, and who knows, the day will come when you ARE able to make things better for your parents.
The hard truth is that people are loathe to change, so it’s unlikely that you can change your siblings, for example. What you can change though, is you. And trust me, the journey will happen. You will one day be more in control, and it takes baby steps.
Don’t give up on yourself. You only have yourself. Family and friends, as close as they may be, can never truly understand you. But they will love you nonetheless. They can’t get you, but you’re never truly alone. Reach out to them for they can’t read you.
Life is not about ending suffering — it’s about minimizing them.
Find your own person, seek what is true to you.
Understand what you can change, and what you can’t.
A certain peacefulness will slowly replace this anguish.
Good luck, dear one.