I am a secret s** addict.

I am a secret s** addict. I tell others that I struggle with lust, I tell my wife (very seldomly) that I have seen something online I shouldn’t have, and I tell myself that it’s ok. But to everyone, I am lying. I rationalize and marginalize my own behavior to everyone, and I give half truths to everyone to avoid the shame of any one person knowing all the gritty details.

When I am alone with a computer, it’s like I’m alone with a naked and gorgeous prostitue who will not leave me alone. I will find a way to have s** with that computer, or a least in my mind, with myself, almost every time. I am too ashamed to admit this problem, as the absence of internet in my life would be socially shaming to me: everyone would know then.

I have a 4 year old daughter, and a 7 year old son. They don’t know about any of this.

What’s worse: I am in the ministry. I am seen as a model for purity and moral living. This is the worst lie- it is a living lie, for I secretly am so plagued by lustful thoughts that I am literally enslaved to them. This has been going on for the duration of my 10 year ministry. I am so ashamed.

Why do I do this? Maybe because of the very minor s***** abuse I encountered as a child. Maybe because I am trying to escape the pressure of needing to have a good reputation with everyone, all the time. Maybe because I have convinced myself I need this secret outlet in order to function. But I don’t honestly know, because I’ve never reached out for help- the kind of help that I really need, that would require me to be totally honest with others about my sin.

I feel like a coward. This is a step in the right direction. God help me to take another!

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