Dear Mark, I’ve been thinking of

Dear Mark,

I’ve been thinking of leaving you for a long time. Yes, there are wonderful things that we share, but sometimes I just get the feeling that we don’t share the same values, and no matter how much I try to explain my point of view, you’re not going to get there.

I’ll put it bluntly: you’re a racist, a sexist, and a homophobe. I mean, we all are to an extent — even people who are gay, women, and minorities; de facto conditioning of the culture, blah, blah, blah — and you’re certainly less of one than some people. But you go around pretending that you’re enlightened and you’re not.

This whole hiring thing at work is bothering me a lot. You’re in a position to promote either a black person or a white person. You obviously like the white person more, despite the fact that he’s made some major f*ups recently. True, the white person is also pretty spectacular when he’s on his game too. The black person doesn’t necessarily do anything spectacular, but he’s consistently good and he doesn’t f* up.

And yet you keep insisting that the white person ‘deserves’ to be promoted, and the fact that your boss wants you to hire the black person is just pulling the race card. Why does it have to be about race? you complain to me.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, trying to make sure that you actually get some diversity in the management staff is definitely a key priority to your boss, and I see why. I mean seriously, you’re all a bunch of white males, and your boss is acutely aware that if you promote a white guy again you’re probably going to get some HR complaints (albeit not from the best staff members that you’d be overlooking…sadly, they’ll stay silent as they get passed over again).

But why can’t you see your bias? If it’s not about race, then why is the white guy so clearly the best choice? The other guy is just as good, and as I pointed out, more reliably good. Last year the white guy did something so stupid it got him suspended for a few days, and you want to promote him? Are you sure you’re not the one being racist? And how can I trust that you’re not turning those same biases against me?

And I’ve tried to ignore the subtle ways in which you’re sexist — even to the point that I question my own gender identity when I can’t fit whatever it is that you have in your head. I don’t need you to fight my battles for me, and yet you brazenly jump out to defend me when I can handle things on my own. Sometimes you’ve fought for me when I didn’t ask you to, and it’s made things worse. And yet, when I choose not to fight, I’m always worried that I’m somehow subtly confirming your own biases about me.

I wish you’d open your eyes, stop thinking of yourself as enlightened. The fact that you’re not questioning whether what you’re doing is sexist or racist or homophobic makes it all the more likely that it is — doubly so, because you’re always pointing out to me about the things you do that show you’re not racist or not sexist, like you can somehow win some brownie points to cancel out all the times when you are. And even if it isn’t directed at me, it hurts me, because it constantly reminds me of all the times when it is directed at me.

I’ve tried to talk to you about it — not in an accusing way, but by saying “Hey, when this situation comes up, would you do this for me, and this is why.” And sometimes you get it for a little while. Yet the longer we go on, the more you seem to slip back into your old habits.

I get it. Habits are hard to change. I know you do it unconsciously. I know you don’t do it to hurt me. I know I’m not perfect either. But you’re constantly telling me how you love that I don’t expect you to play the stereotype, and it’s such a relief to be with me — why can’t you do the same for me? How do I hold up a mirror so you can see the way I see you?

Do I have to threaten to leave before you finally get it?

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