My boyfriend had a girlfriend who had died of cancer. This was a girl he had dated on and off for 5 years. He loved her. I believe he still loves her but that is okay. I hadn’t realized how soon after her death that we started dating(about 2 months) until much later. He talked about her often. He told me he loved me very soon after we started dating. He was very sweet about it and didn’t push me into saying it back. I eventually realized I did love him and now we live together and have been dating for over 2 years. Part of me believes that I am nothing more than the longest rebound ever. Part of me wants to know that if she were alive and healthy that he would still choose to be with me. I’m afraid of being second best. I’m afraid of the choice he was never able to make for himself. That choice was taken away from him. I understand that this is something he is always going to think of. It will never go away for him. She is always going to hold a special place in his heart and I am okay with that. My father and even my grand father have gone through the same thing as him. My father still can’t listen to a certain song without getting emotional. And my grandfather has never loved anyone as much as he loved his late wife. I understand very well and I accept that she’ll always be an important part of his life. But I am afraid that my boyfriend is settling for me, even though he had no choice. I want to be the one who holds most of his heart. I want to be the one he loves more than anyone else. I am selfish. I am childish. I am afraid of bringing it up because the last thing I want to do is hurt him. I’m afraid of him hating me for how I feel…
I love him so much…
But… I am selfish to think these things. I should accept him and how he feels and love him anyway even though I might not be his first choice. This is how I wish I could feel. I cannot stop thinking that he will never ever be able to love me as much as I love him. He’s my true love (I know that sounds cheesy), but I’m probably not his.
I… am an awful human being.