Nobody knows how depressed I am. I tend to brush things off, and act like I don't care about things, I think as a sort of subconscious defense mechanism,

12 years

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Nobody knows how depressed I am. I tend to brush things off, and act like I don’t care about things, I think as a sort of subconscious defense mechanism, safeguarding my emotions. I want people to understand, but I don’t think I will ever bring myself to truly open up to anyone. This is partially because I find it incredibly difficult to convey feelings, or even understand them myself sometimes, but also because I don’t think anyone would believe me. This makes me feel so alone, because I feel like I am the only person who understands me. I honestly don’t even know why I’m posting on here, though I imagine that I am not the only person on the planet in this type of situation.

Rationally, I don’t care what people think of me, and I feel disconnected from everyone. Yet for some reason I put up a facade in the presence of others. I feel like my thought process is extremely selfish and judgmental, yet I submit to other peoples’ desires and expectations. I wish I could legitimately be calm and confident about things, and not just appear that way. I wish I could be careless, live in the moment, and have a good time. But all I ever do is over-analyze. Probably my biggest conflict, is that I feel isolated. I really want to have intimate relationships with other people… yet I come across as cold and inconsiderate. I think I have an anti-social vibe going on around me, but the truth is I really want to interact with people. I guess I just don’t know how to.

But then I am also extremely frustrated with life in general, and don’t give a s*** about any of it. Probably, none of this will make any sense, but, oh well… that’s why I’m doing it anonymously.

New Confession

My art therapist/group therapist and I were having an illegal affair. I would write secret messages to her and she would read them and respond to them in person. She would do favors i asked of her, like wearing outfits i asked her to wear, she’d even do me s***** favors. I made her a google drive full of p*** of me and then crafted a puzzle link to get to it that only she could have known. The link was a tinyurl with three phrases in the url that only she could have known. We would walk for an hour every day and swing at the park. I would write her poetry and play love songs for her every day. She broke the rules to play mario kart with me constantly when her boss was out. We had something magical. But she would never communicate directly with me because sge was afraid she’d lose her liscence to practice and her boyfriend and house, abd when I pushed her to unmask and be real, she told me I was wasting my time. Well that pissed me off and I crashed out a little abd she used that crash out to get me kicked out of my group therapy program. She wants out and I told her she’s not allowed to want out. I told her If she doesn’t reach out to me and continue this affair, that i will report her and get her liscence taken away and if that doesn’t work ill find some other way to ruin her life. You dont go from gooning in the bathroom at work to someone to throwing them away in the same week. Thats fucked. I’ll post her name here soon if she stays quiet and doesn’t reach out to me.

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