Nobody knows how depressed I am. I tend to brush things off, and act like I don’t care about things, I think as a sort of subconscious defense mechanism, safeguarding my emotions. I want people to understand, but I don’t think I will ever bring myself to truly open up to anyone. This is partially because I find it incredibly difficult to convey feelings, or even understand them myself sometimes, but also because I don’t think anyone would believe me. This makes me feel so alone, because I feel like I am the only person who understands me. I honestly don’t even know why I’m posting on here, though I imagine that I am not the only person on the planet in this type of situation.
Rationally, I don’t care what people think of me, and I feel disconnected from everyone. Yet for some reason I put up a facade in the presence of others. I feel like my thought process is extremely selfish and judgmental, yet I submit to other peoples’ desires and expectations. I wish I could legitimately be calm and confident about things, and not just appear that way. I wish I could be careless, live in the moment, and have a good time. But all I ever do is over-analyze. Probably my biggest conflict, is that I feel isolated. I really want to have intimate relationships with other people… yet I come across as cold and inconsiderate. I think I have an anti-social vibe going on around me, but the truth is I really want to interact with people. I guess I just don’t know how to.
But then I am also extremely frustrated with life in general, and don’t give a s*** about any of it. Probably, none of this will make any sense, but, oh well… that’s why I’m doing it anonymously.