Dads, some of us have pretty good ones, some of our dad’s are lacking in some ways and some of us don’t know our dads. My Dad…was a pretty average one. He didn’t leave our family or abuse us verbally or physically. He was neither a drug addict, a gambler nor an alcoholic. So what’s so wrong about my father? My father, was a depressive, mostly useless and negative person. He was an obstacle in our family life and an uncooperative mound of unhappiness, seething anger which refused to try and get out of its own mess and look after itself. He did not bring in the money or bread or toil in the heat for us. He only ferried me where it was necessary. He wanted to be served, to be coddled and paid attention to. He wanted things his every way and he was aggressive in a horrible way making the world his enemy when he didn’t get what he wanted. Never mind not being able to look after the family, he couldn’t even look after himself. He wanted to be treated like a King. My mother said that most men and married husbands and fathers were like that. I know it’s not exactly true. Some children are fortunate to have pretty much excellent dads. I guess I was not one of those lucky ones…
He constantly put pressure on me and my mother as if we were responsible for everything and if anything did not go the way he wanted, he would blame us for it. He was an emotionally and mentally draining and dilapidating person to be with. Even being in the same room made me feel tired and suffocated. It was like there was a black rain cloud of gloom and I always wanted to get away from him. When he tired to be loving towards me I felt nothing and I could feel no sympathy or care towards him. He’s never actually showed me any love anyways.
Growing up, I never had a fatherly figure or any male figure to make me feel safe and secure and happy. No one was there to comfort me when I cried or hurt, my mum was always so busy, exhausted and strict, my father only hollered and spent his time enjoying himself on business trips or the TV all year round. I had to slaughter through all my emotional turmoils on my own, figure out and learn on my own. With a mother who is too egoistic and a hypocritical a** of a father, what could I do? Until now, I’m still cold and hesitant and distant towards any relationship with men. I never felt like I belonged. I am grateful that my basic needs are taken care of but now I need to make myself happy and stable…
He would condemn gay people and drag queens and anyone who wasn’t conventional while I could say that he was not even the least bit of a man. He didn’t have balls and he needed to grow some. Even I’m more man than him. He could not even deal with the smallest of his own problems or accept help from family members but with others who didn’t know him, he gave them first class treatment. I caught him watching dirty p*** videos on our coms so many times. I’m also sure that he has been comfy with his female clients before. I’ve even found a picture of him surround with women in skimpy clothes with their naked, large breasts pressing against him, his face, his neck, disgusting. And believe it or not, that picture of him was taken on one of his business trips, when I was a CHILD!!!.
He is the main reason to my feeling on incessant loneliness and yearning to have an older male sibling or at least a comforting boyfriend to look after me and care for me. It’s a common desire for people at my phase and I admit that I am often frustrated physically and get extremely fearful, anxious and lonely on some cold nights. I’m not one to need anything for myself, I can usually keep myself happy and up to check but this problem has always been there, gets more obvious because I’m not doing well and will get much worse in the future. I wish I could have the one I love back again.
