i wrote this when i was on shrooms.. I’ve done them a couple times and this time i had a really inner personal trip.

I don’t even know where to begin with the feeling i have toward life rn like I don’t want to be at school but at the same time I don’t want to be at home either. I don’t get why I can’t just conform and be like everyone else who figures out where they belong so early on in their life I respect them for that entirely in fact I even envy them because people like me which I assume there are more that I haven’t met yet and I hope to meet someday I envy them so much. I wish I knew everything about who I am but I don’t and that’s the harsh reality. It’s hard. Being the one who always has to say I don’t know. Being the one who is so good at hiding how they really feel. I take robin Williams death to heart with me because I feel for him because I am fighting to breathe everyday because i just want everyone to think I’m happy all the time and make others happy but at the same time i just wish someone would ask me how I’m doing and actually stick around long enough to care to hear the truth. but i haven’t found anyone who cares about me enough. I feel that every decision I make effects everyone I love and that burden just kills me inside and I feel like it is just eating me from the inside out. I want to be happy and it just so hard I feel good being home with friends and I don’t feel at home when I’m at school I’m not happy and I don’t know how to fix it. My smile has not been genuine for quite some time. It is just put there to please the people who only pretend to have my best interest in mind. I’m not afraid of many things but one of those few things is something I constantly wonder.. what happens if when the storm passes there’s nothing left? Its just me alone screaming into a void hoping and praying that someone hears my helpless cry and nobody ever does and I’m stuck in this cycle I don’t want any apart of. when i “fight through the hard part” what happens if I’m still alone and still feel like this. All I want is to be able to feel something. Happiness. Sadness. Passion. Anything. but I feel nothing towards every aspect of my life and all I want is to find something that makes me feel but it seems like a pointless mission I’ll never accomplish. People wish all the time to feel nothing. They drink and get drunk and smoke and get high just to feel nothing but I do it to feel something. anything besides what is going on in me now. I’m not pretty enough, not smart, not motivated..what the f*** am i doing with my life. i think that i am completely useless to society and i have absolutely nothing to offer anyone.

does anyone know how i can stop feeling like this?