I did it. I destroyed our relationship. I kept telling myself not to do it. But when he was right there continuously persisting and trying to pull my clothes off, I gave up saying “I can’t”. I really, really shouldn’t have.
I can’t ever tell him. I have to pretend like it never happened, or I’ll kill myself from my own sheer stupidity. I’m so stupid. How could I have done this? I love him so much. I know %100 that he’s my soulmate. I didn’t used to believe in love even, before I met him. He’s never done a thing wrong to me. He has given me the world with rose colored glasses to look through if I’d like, and I shattered it all. Heartlessly destroyed it. I’m such a piece of f****** s***. 🙁 A stupid piece of f****** s***. I don’t deserve him in the slightest bit. He’s way too good for me, and I’ve always known that. Why couldn’t I have been ugly? So that I’d never have to have seen what it was like to live with beautiful people always around me, and then fall in love with a man with a huge heart to make up for his looks. Because sometimes I feel like it just doesn’t make up for his looks. And I feel like a hideous person for even thinking so. But of course, I decide only afterwards that I love him so much that I couldn’t do anything with anyone. After I’d already done something else with someone.
For the first time in one year, I feel like I want to kill myself. All because of my own stupidity and lack of heart. Please Justin. Please, please. Please forgive me. I’ll do anything you want me to. Please forgive me Justin. I’ve made the worst mistake of my life thus far. And you know how many big mistakes I’ve made. God, it doesn’t make a difference. I couldn’t even forgive me. G******* it. God f****** damn it.