To feel one thing and to say another is sacrifice, but to say one thing and to feel another is lying. This is my story of both of those. The story of how I said one thing to him, and felt another. The story of how I felt one thing, and said nothing. The day that I lost her.

There has been one time in my life where I have truly felt for myself and myself along. All other have been a mystery wrapped in the word “should” and the emotions of others. But I am getting ahead of myself, this story starts with a little girl who happened to be wearing a short skirt, pink and red long sleeved Christmas shirt, and a pair of ballet flats. She had been an arrogant little child, and her father wanted to teach her a lesson. He walked her out to the woods when it was slightly raining and cold, stood her in the middle of the forest and told her to look around. “This place can eat you. It can swallow you whole, and you will never be able to survive out there if you don’t listen and learn.”

And that was the day I that realized the world was not always safe, forgiving, and kind.

It was sophomore year of high school and my brother had just moved out to go to college. That means that all of my parents energy was now focused on me. My bother was the test run, and I was the final experiment. (my parents are scientist by nature). My dad had this realization about life and what we needed to strive for. It was humility and arrogance. Having the ability to make the humble judgement with experience. Arrogance is only needed to survive on a base level. After that had been so permanently ingrained in my head; every time I wanted to break down, or have self-pity, I reminded myself that I shouldn’t be a burden to the world, that I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself because that was arrogance, I shouldn’t “feel”. It is such a dangerous word.

I know that there are other who have it worse in the world than me, and that is what fueled me to keep going.

The previous year I had one of my close friends from kindergarten ask me out and and I refused not wanting to end our friendship and definitely not wanting to date in general. (I’m a very independent person) It wasn’t until junior year that I said yes to the crush that I had at the time. His name was Kyle and He. Was. Cute. He was nearly two years older than me, and I thought he was so wise. It was not until my second boyfriend that I realized he had not treated me as well as I treated him, and he really just wanted s** eventually; which I did not give to him thankfully. It was a learning experience to date an older guy. I think in the end he viewed me as a little kid, but look at me now! I know it sounds really bad, but I am so happy with the way my life turned out. I am so thankful for all of the people in my life and opportunities that I have had. It frustrates me that he cannot see his own potential. Even his sister whom I adore feels the same way about him. I just hope he finds his path in life and learns to treat girls less like objects.

The second boyfriend I had was a courtship. It was sweet, and we did cute things together. He never asked anything of me, and that was when I realize that this is what a normal relationship is suppose to look like. I wish I had given more of myself, but it just wasn’t there. I thought I loved him, but I really just loved the idea of him. In the end we were meant to go our separate ways, I’m actually really happy for him, an I know he will do amazing things with his life.

I found him.

The stars seemed to aline, and it hit me that he has been standing in front of the me the entire time. this boy had asked me out freshman year, but I was not ready for it back then. I don’t even remember who asked who out, or when our first date was. It was so comfortable and natural that we didn’t have to go through the “getting to know you” stage. He is everything that I could hope for kind, sweet, methodical, romantic, never asked too much of me. He loves me, and I love him. Or at least my mind does….

It was barely the send week of school, and we had our first thespian society meeting(drama club). Here was this girl who had come in as a young freshman, and my two best friends had already “claimed” her. Well I stole her. She was going to be my little freshman friend. I looked to her as a younger sister, and helped mentor her in the coming months. I remember the first time I saw her. I walked out of the bathroom in the auditorium, and this strange feeling washed over me. She kept asking if I was annoyed by her whenever we were in the prop room together, or doing something else. No, she never annoyed me, I never hated her, and I have never doubted her. Little did I know that the feeling I had before was not that of a big sister, but of love. It was a love that could not be named. She was not a girlfriend to me, nor a best friend, nor a sister. She was just, my love.

If there is one thing I have discovered about finding the love of your life, it is that you can try to hide it, and you can try to let go of it, but if they are your true soulmate, then it will never leave you. You can lock all of your writing in a box. The writing on the walls can be emptied into that box, but you will never be able to take away the part that is your soul. That love will always resurface because of your soul. Your soul is not your heart, or your head. It is your very essence with no string attached. Everything you identify as is all wiped away, and what is left is who you truly are.

Every day I think about her. And every day I have to let her go. There is no getting rid of those writings, there is no locking it away in a box. Believe me I have tried. All of the searches I have done on what to do if you are in love with someone else, but are in a committed relationship do not compare. It sounds so arrogant to say that, but I have experienced what they speak of and I know what is happening to me right now, and I know the difference. I’m not “in love” with two people. There can only be one. There will always be one person who you can connect with on a deeper level, and one person who will fully be able to understand who you are. Bob Marley once said these words,
“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
and as I read these words I realized that I was in love, I was in love with the one woman who I would want to spend the rest of my life with, and the only person I would ever want to be with for the rest go my life. It sounds to cliché to love someone at such a young age, but I have tried and tried to imagine my life with the boy from freshman year, or meeting some guy or girl for that matter and just making a life with them. Nothing seems right. Nothing seems to fit. It is painful to watch her every single day turn to another person and say “I love you” because my soul cries out in agony. But knowing that she is happy, that she has found someone to love her? I am content living on my own for the rest of my life just knowing that. A true test to know if you love a person as your soulmate is this. Do you need that person? Or would you walk beside them every day?

I do not need her, we are both unique individuals, but I would follow her anywhere, and I would walk beside her everyday until the day I die, and even after that.

To my big little one-

I will never stop loving you.