So there’s this super cute girl at the dispensary that I go to. Funnily enough, this dispensary was placed in a building that I actually used to live in a little over a year ago, with a few other people. We all did drugs of sorts, and partied, and went crazy- it’s a terrible memory. There were practically no windows in the building, and still aren’t now that it’s a dispensary. Now one of the nicest looking dispensaries I’ve seen, with amazing products; and a very, very attractive girl. She has purple hair that’s long, with a nose ring and gauged ears. She wears this huge funny round diamond that looks like it came from those twenty-five-cent dispensers on her finger, with short bangs. To say the least, she’s a rockabilly- but I like that.

Here’s the problem. It’s not that I can’t get her because I’m a woman. I can get as many women as I can men, because I’m so g******* attractive. It’s almost something I relish, using my beauty and charm to bring in attractive people to my dinner tables and bed. I loved doing it- except when I have a boyfriend. He’s my fiance, and the father of my son by birth certificate. I love him so much, and he’s the love of my life and literally my best friend. But I shouldn’t have to wait for s** to be over every time.

I also have this problem where I look at women too often. I’m engaged to him, but all I can think about are how beautiful other women are. I’d say out of girls and guys, it’s harder to control myself around women. Like, if that girl at the dispensary threw herself at me, there’s no way I’m going to say no to that. I might not even tell her I have a boyfriend. Hell, I’ve even imagined her doing that. A guy coming at me no matter how hot, I’d actually hesitate and have to think about it and then say no. But a s*** female- no way. I wouldn’t even think about the fact that I was cheating for a second, actually. And that’s the most awful part.
Why can’t I just be f****** straight? It s**** when people believe that being gay is a choice. I’ve wished I was straight for so long, and I’d cried about it for years. But then I got over it, because I realized that I just had to live with it and come to love it. It’s not going away, ever. I just wish it did again, because I’m engaged to a man.
I don’t even know what to do anymore except ignore it. This f****** s****.