i’ve got some kind of a crush, well more than a crush. an emotional affection and adoration toward a teacher of mine. because he was a great teacher but also my counselor of sorts. im in high school and he’s 40.. he’s incredibly attractive, but that’s not necessarily the point. he liked me so much at the beginning of the year in such a pure way. we had an uncanny connection in our interests, views, and even a few idiosyncrasies and quirks. i gained his appreciation- he loved my work and thought i was intelligent- at a time when i needed someone to ocnnect to the most.
i became f****** mortified every day of my life because we would blush when we would have to talk to each other in class. my skin’s paler so people considered it one-sided. people made fun of me behind my back. since i have major depression, the stress from the bullying triggered an episode. i wanted to f****** die and felt sick and had panic attacks- that’s depression. i had no one through it, i’m pretty much a loser except a few close friends.
so i decided ‘f*** it’ and went to him one day saying i needed help from someone and he was thrilled. he became the person who i talked to about my mental health issues.

we started to love talking to each other more and more. it wasn’t overtly romantic it was just tacitly agreed between us that if we were the same age we would be married. by the way he looks far under his age. i don’t have some kind of fetish for old men.
i thought about him all the time, you know, and just wanted to talk to him more and more.
my guidance councilor noticed how much i talk to him and figured something was strange. it wasn’t. but anyway, he got self conscious considering the implications of well him blushing when he would talk to me and me doing the same. so he shut me out and acted like he was cold eventually, though he would still get embarassed and reveal his feelings in visceral ways.

i can’t describe the adoration i’d gamered toward him, and him returning the feeling was literally the only close connection i had in my life. on the last day of school, he looked like he would miss me, but only half-heartedly said i could talk to him next year.
he’s not on my schedule this year but he could’ve been, i just got unlucky. during his class i was never depressed. he taught history. simply stepping into a room with him in it made me feel comfortable with myself. he inspired me and changed me.

i tried to e-mail him this summer- completely innocently, asking his room number next year, and he didn’t write back. i’m already assuming he hates me.
the pain is excruciating considering i’m already depressed and i feel really dumb. i told myself over and over i’m in love with him, while acceptig that you know i couldn’t get all that close. then again i realize how everyone agrees he’s such an exceptionally great guy and he truly is very attractive. “love”. f***.

but whatever. he’s really something special. i’ll probably see him around anyway.
onward