I still am guilty over doing it. I had a fight with my (still current) boyfriend over a year ago and actually stormed out of the house. Went from house to house that night, crying, hanging out with whoever would hang out. When I found my girl’s house I was going to crash at, my ex-boyfriend happened to be a couple streets down. I had NO plans to see him, but he was friends with her and was there. I did not want to CRY in front of him, so I played it all off like it wasn’t a big deal. We all watched a movie and then everyone was going to go to bed. The whole movie, I could feel the heat of him next to me, and felt his hand come onto mine. I still don’t know why I didn’t move it. It was half-sweet and it made me forget (for a bit) how much of an a****** he had been. As the movie went on I got wet. I thought about how many things I had tried with my ex (things I’ve never done with my current guy). I remembered one time when he fucked me in a room of like 20+ people passed out from partying, holding my mouth closed.

When my friend went to sleep we (ex and I) kept staying up. No sooner is she gone then he says for me to take off my shirt. “Why?” I ask. “I have something I want to show you.” This is when I made the mistake that I still worry will ruin my life.

I took off my shirt and he tied it around my hands, knotting it up. I said, “I’m impressed,” playfully, but things moved super fast. He stripped my pants and p****** off and was naked where it counted right away. We kissed. We kissed for a long time in a way I hadn’t kissed with my current. Then, he fucked me. He laid behind me. I couldn’t move my hands the whole time, I just f****** moaned. And I still feel bad, all the time about this. I said, “___ , I know I am not supposed to say this, but I love you.” And, as he fucks me, he says “I love that p****.” I came twice. Once as he sped up and again when he came. He came inside of me and I was too loud. The next day my friend knew everything that had happened, my ex didn’t even follow up with a next day phone call, and I went home (where my current apologized sweetly).

Now I live worried about this