To six of the thirteen people I cared about the most, years ago:

Zak – I spent a week crying, after I heard the news. I disappointed a lot of people in my response. I couldn’t tell anyone who I knew about your predicament, because I’d have to out myself. I couldn’t talk to Parker, because he was coping on his own. I could’ve tried to talk to you, though. I know your family probably wouldn’t have let you talk to me, but I didn’t even try. I think of you a lot. I could’ve loved you, had I tried hard enough. I sometimes think you would’ve liked that. You never left me when we were friends and I left you there in the frigid arms of some f****** religious dogma. No matter how much I apologize, I will never be able to undo that. I’m sorry a million times. I let myself down and I let you down.

Amanda – I know you don’t care what I have to say, but you’re an amazing woman. When I met you, you were almost 21 and had lived more in your 21 years than anyone I’d ever met. You were just a good soul, deep down, despite all your boozing and bad choices in men. When you left with the others, it hurt me, because of all the ones who left, it was you who I thought I could count on. For the month you didn’t speak to me, I felt like s***. When you finally turned around and found it in your heart to talk to me again, I knew that I’d be okay. You are perfect. In every way. And yes, I can say that honestly, having seen every bit of your body at some point. I love that I got to share some time with you.

John – You were older, hotter and more of a bad boy than I’d ever be. Whenever you got off the camera, I knew you weren’t just going to get something to eat or going to the bathroom. No, every single time, you were m***********. I can’t say that I disliked the image in my head of you wanking off to me. The only reason you stayed with the group was for me and even though I didn’t know it at the time, I know it now. Then, I couldn’t act on what I felt. Hell, I didn’t even understand what I was feeling. But I know now. Of course, it’s too late at this point. You’re off with your boyfriend and your nursing job, while I’m sitting here, naked and b***********, getting off to your memory. I wish I could be with you. One day, maybe I’ll try…but until I get the courage to talk to you again, I’ll sit here every couple months, thinking about the time you went on camera with c** covered pants.

Johnny – You knew the whole time, didn’t you? Through all those private conversations and sharing our lives, you knew. Yet you never said a damn thing. You could’ve saved me three years of questioning and a suicide attempt if you’d just told me. To be fair, I doubt I would’ve accepted it, even if you had told me, so I don’t fault you. It’s just…ugh. I’m exasperated. I’m in a good place right now and I know you are too, but I feel like we didn’t end on the right foot. It was just kind of abrupt and I feel bad about that. We were outcasts together, right? Us against the world and all that s***. Our last conversation ended with a question that you never answered. So what’s the answer? Was this all my fault or wasn’t it?

Andrew (or Annabelle, if you still go by that) – I knew when I started this one that it would be hard. I still don’t understand where we are. I know you’ve had a lot of issues these past few years with your identity and we discussed them in sort of a cursory sense, but the last time I asked you anything, you seemed incredibly guarded. I thought it might just be the fact that it had been a year since we talked. But no, you were like this every time, after the initial fallout. I followed you everywhere, trying to get closer to you. We were the young ones together. I guess that’s not so true anymore. You’re probably 16 by now. Funny how the years fly by. I desperately wanted you to like me. I don’t even know why. I think I just valued your opinion the most highly because you were the most like me. You had those insecurities right beneath the surface. You were the average brown-haired girl with blue eyes getting bullied for no reason. I never talked about it like you did, but I was dealing with the same thing. I wasn’t as brave as you. I doubt I ever will be. You had it tougher than I did, though. I was lucky enough to identify with my own gender, but you had the added challenge of being born with the wrong parts. I still don’t know why you got rid of me. You never gave me a straight answer. Not once. I’m still a little miffed by that. I had the utmost regard for you, but you didn’t even have the decency to tell me why you were angry? We went through a lot of s*** together after that. Unfortunately, I was the one who suggested the town. Yes, I realize now that it was a stupid thing to do, but you know, hindsight’s 20/20. I ruined you. Twice. Honestly, it could’ve been three times for all I know. I don’t know how you tick. That scared me then and it scares me today just as much. I don’t want to be that person, but I also don’t want to not have any contact with you. I miss you and I have no right to miss you.

Parker – Why don’t you love me? I’ve tried everything with you. We used to talk so much. I’d flirt, drop subtle hints and even go into full-blown innuendos when your guard was down, but you were always so consumed by your boy of the week. I want you. I want every inch of you, from the soles of your feet, through that big meaty d*** I know you’re hiding under those skinny jeans and up to that gorgeous blonde mop of hair on your head. I’m getting hard just thinking about you. You’ve always been there for me and I thought you wanted to be there for me s******* too. I want you so bad. We’d f*** like rabbits, round the clock. We could experiment if you like. I know how much you like dirty talk late at night, since all your boyfriends have dumped you for trying it on them. Now I’m covered in my own c**, when I’d rather be covered in yours.