When I see or hear that a former crush of mine has gotten engaged, I want to WANT TO wish them well, but secretly I just hope that their partner cheats on them and gives them an STD and that the girl gets fat and ugly. It just feels unfair. I don’t know why everyone else in my life gets to be happy while I’m still alone. All I get is crappy relationships with emotionally stunted men who are either not mature enough or they have a legitimate mental illness (one has paranoid schizophrenia, pretty sure another is a sociopath). Oh yeah, and I get some one-off flings with guys I don’t really care about. Yay, or something. Anytime I actually fall in love with someone, they end up telling me they could never love me. I guess I’m just an unlovable freak of nature.

But then, I know I’m very intelligent. I’ve seen my test scores and I’m an English tutor. And I know I’m attractive, because I’m a model and guys ask me out all the time. When I see someone get engaged I just bitterly think to myself that in a few years or months, they’ll be dying to sleep with a hot, smart woman like me again, and then I’ll have my revenge. I want them to fail. I want to see them hurt, the way they’ve hurt me. I want to see their world crumble and burn while I laugh amidst the flames.

So go ahead, marry the airheaded small-town blonde bimbo who’s probably never read a book in her life. You’ll regret it when she’s dragging you to the nail salon and blathering on about celebrity gossip for the rest of your life. Meanwhile, I’ll still be a s*** b**** and you’ll be longing for what you tossed aside so carelessly.