I have been married for over a decade. My best friend came into my life about 4 years ago. She was witty, funny, a great mother to her daughter from her prior marriage, and amazingly beautiful… to top it off, we were truly peas in a pod from the very day we met. I first realized that my feelings for her were growing beyond my control after about a year. She was out of the country and seeing the pictures she was sending back made me long for her presence in my life more than in any other circumstance prior. I tried to tell her, but I always chickened out; after all, I didn’t want to queer our friendship nor alienate my own wife. I subtly dropped hints for a while… Until two summers ago. There was a church summer fest in her neighborhood and I was over at her house fixing yet another thing gone awry. We noticed the music when she was walking me out to my truck and we both stopped to listen and revel in the joyous proclamation of faith by the youth singing in the distance. Instinctively I held her on the hips from behind, but only for a moment. She pulled away, realizing what was happening subconsciously, and stammered that “friends don’t hold each other like that.” I played dumb, apologized and left; leaving everything bottled up yet again. We never spoke of that night again. Until tonight.

She has now moved across the country for her daughter’s benefit and I miss her dearly every day. We talk on the phone more often than my wife knows, although my wife does know about her and I being best friends (and has known nearly the entire time, they are friends now, too). My wife only allows it to continue, I assume, because she knows my friend is a godly woman who would never enter the bed of a married man. I finally had the nerve to talk to my friend about feelings tonight and aired it all out… How my feelings have grown beyond what they should and that I refuse to act upon them as a married man, yet I had to inform her out of respect. She took it amazingly well, purposely falling short of openly admitting reciprocity in order to quell whatever my be brewing. We have agreed to love each other from afar, yet remain platonic friends for eternity.

We then spoke about life, plans, and faith. I pondered aloud “why would the Lord bring you into my life at the time He did? What was the purpose of the timing? Is it just temptation?” She countered with a story about staying on the path, rather than straying and that when you can’t figure out the reason, don’t worry, its still a part of His plan.

At the end of the conversation, she said “I love you.” I melted inside.

I have listed this as “a guilt” as it is the most appropriate classification. I feel that, although I am trying to be as proper as possible without losing my friend, I may be disrespecting my wife by falling in love with another woman. I love my wife, yes… but I am in love with Sarah. I feel like I was in love with her before we met; like she was the one I was supposed to spend my life with yet I didn’t find her in time. As a God-fearing man and a man of my word, I must honor the vows I made with my wife all those years ago; yet I still long for Sarah every day.