I’m still trying to figure it out, man truly. What the urge is within me that compels me just to get fucked up. It’s an urge that strikes me on a primal level and I can’t f****** resist it. Thankfully I don’t have any problems with hard drugs, thank God for that, but I’ve wasted so much time and ruined so many relationships in order to alter my consciousness it’s ridiculous. Usually I can satisfy the urge with weed, but not always. Sometimes I require alcohol as well. Anything else I’ve experimented with has been in years past- I have a baby girl now. I try to stay sober for her but I still smoke so much pot to satisfy that hunger I have to just… FEEL different. And yes, I continue to breastfeed (she’s gaining weight and thriving) honestly, marijuana helps me feel like a better parent sometimes. But I can’t ignore the fact that I’m giving her compounds of marijuana through my breastmilk. I just wish I could find a name for that urge within me that I have to get high, so I may conquer it. I pray God can help me.