i think it’s okay to harm myself–but when other people harm themselves it’s horrible. i have no idea how selfish that is or what’s right and what’s wrong. i harmed myself two minutes ago. i harm myself in places people will never see unless i’m naked. on my thigh under my underwear and just above my waist. i don’t even know why i’m posting this but i feel so bad for doing it. it’s a selfish thing to do. but it makes me feel better-it’s like the pain is something i think i should complain about but really it just distracts me from my thoughts. when i’m in pain and i close my eyes and i focus on just the pain–it’s like all my insecurities are drowned out.
i don’t see what’s so bad about harming myself–or why i even feel guilty about it. maybe it makes up for all the antidepressants and therapy my mom refuses to let me have that’s necessary in my situation. no one else can harm themselves except for me because mine is justified because i’m not doing it to hurt myself–i just want to hurt someone, but not somebody else. maybe i’m weak for harming myself. but it’s not bad, i’m not cutting my wrists. i don’t want to die, ever. i’m just taking advantage of pain that i’m allowed to have–i’m not hurting anybody. but the fact that i have to hide it because people would get angry at me if they knew is so annoying.