I’ve been having an affair with a married woman for the past 3 months. At first it was just online messaging on a mobile chat app. There was never an intention by either of us to meet in person. She was actually exploring her curiosity to find an online female physical relationship. Her husband knew she was online and gave her permission to meet women – but not men. The more we exchanged messages, the deeper our connection grew. I eventually realized that I HAD to meet this amazing woman.

I’m a 47 year old man and I’ve been married for nearly 24 years and have 2 grown kids still living at home. In the past few years, our relationship has grown strained; and despite counselling sessions, lots of talk and even taking vacations together, we seem to be growing more and more distant. I still love my wife, however I often feel like I don’t like her…and we are becoming more like roommates.

After hundreds of online messages, emails and exchanging of pics, “R” and I finally met. It was a casual meeting in a public place…a golf course clubhouse as a matter of fact. I was completely hooked from the moment I saw her. Time stood still. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. There was such a bond between us, that’s it’s almost indescribable. The physical attraction was only a small part of it. I truly enjoyed being in her presence, and our conversation flowed effortlessly.

We saw each other a few more times in public, but our attraction grew and we would make out like 2 teenagers whenever we saw each other. About a month after our first platonic meeting, we agreed to meet in a hotel and we spent the day making love and f****** our brains out. We’ve met another 6 times since at hotels or in semi-private areas. We have actually found it incredibly e***** to park her minivan on a quiet residential street and climb in the back to have s** under a blanket.

I’ve always had a jealous side. This became most evident when I was much younger when my girlfriend used to taunt me with stories about her ex. It drove me nuts and she loved it. Ultimately we broke up.

When I met my wife, she was different. No head games, no messing around with emotions. I was ready to settle down and was done with dating. I believed I had met the woman I was meant to spend my life with. But nearly a quarter century has passed and our lives are growing in different directions.

About 8 years ago I witnessed my parent’s marriage of nearly 45 years disintegrate. I’m glad I wasn’t living nearby as it would have been too painful to be part of the day to day separation. Our wonderful secure family fell apart.

I just learned my older half-brother and his wife are splitting up. They have been together over 40 years. I’ve never understood their relationship. They seem so different and yet they stayed together. They never had kids and when they retired a few years back, they spent much of their time travelling the world.

I’ve really started to question living in a purely monogamous relationship. People change. Is it really such a bad thing for a couple to go their separate ways if they really aren’t happy anymore? Part of me really wants to have an open relationship where my partner and I are committed to each other, but free to have s** with others. I feel conflicted because even though I want this for me, I really struggle thinking about my partner doing the same. I realize this sounds selfish of me to admit.

My attraction to “R” is absolutely all-consuming. She’s all I think about. I find myself daydreaming about her and what my life would be like if we were to run away together. There’s such a deep mutual connection between us on all levels, emotional, soulful, mental and physical.

Before “R” and I met, my wife and I planned a month long European vacation with some friends of ours. The vacation was mostly booked and paid for before I had started my affair with “R”. I was away for a month and just returned yesterday. She and I exchanged email messages almost daily while I was away. I realize that she probably missed me more than I missed her as I was travelling and seeing the world while she was at home in the daily routine of work, marriage and raising her 2 kids. She told me regularly how much she missed me. I could feel the sincere longing in her words through her messages.

For awhile now she’s been exchanging messages with a T-girl. For those of you that don’t know, Urban Dictionary defines TGIRL as “A male by birth who is either dressing as or living as a female.” They’ve met a few times over coffee or lunch and have developed a friendship. At first for “R” it was mostly a curiosity and willingness to help him/her with some changes he/she has been going through. Today “R” told me that he recently split with his girlfriend and she feel that he’s starting to develop some feelings for my “R”

I felt my jealousy returning and I hated this feeling. “R” said that the attraction is not mutual and that she just sees their relationship as a wonderful friend. He/she is 14 years younger than her age of 45. I felt my stomach churning as I know they were seeing each other while I was away. Why do I feel this way? “R” and I are having an affair. We’re not married or in a committed relationship, and yet we love each other. She’s made her feelings for me very clear and yet… I feel like the moment I turn away for a month travelling, she’s grasping for someone else. I have never asked if her tgirl dresses as a man or as a woman when they meet. When they first started meeting, she assured me that there was “nothing k****” going on. She just wanted to be there for this person who really needed a friend to lean on for advice.

I love “R” very much and I desperately want to have a long term relationship with her. At the same time, I’m not rushing things and I’m not trying to influence her into leaving her marriage. She has 2 young sons (13 and 8) and I would not want to be the reason for tearing apart her family while her kids are still young and need their mother. She’s told me on numerous occasions that she sees herself growing old with me.

I’m trying my best to not let these negative feelings of jealousy resurface. It’s not healthy and I realize that if it does, my “R” could feel like I’m too possessive. I can’t imagine not having her in my life.