I’ve always had a pretty decent amount of friends, but for most of my life, I’ve never felt like people actually liked me. I felt like everyone just tolerated me and was only around me because it was school and they had to be. It was worse in middle school because there were a few girls in a lot of my classes that would be “friendly” with me, but I’m not stupid. I can see when someone is being fake. The way they would talk to me, it was like they were trying to subtly make fun of me, or they were just humoring me. That just made me feel even more like no one liked me and that my “friends” weren’t really my friends. I felt like I was always annoying and that I was just a bother to the people, minus my family, around me. It never got to the point where I contemplated suicide, but I have thought about if maybe the people I’ve come into contact with would’ve had a better life had I not been born and that I was just a nuisance. I feel like I just annoy my friends and I ask myself why anyone even bothers talking to me. These feelings, though, are one of the main reasons that I get so upset when people yell at me. In my eyes, it just confirms them. It’s also mostly why I had those doubts about my relationship with my boyfriend and why I sometimes just belittle myself. Sometimes I just honestly can’t see how people like me or even stand being around me. It’s a lot better now because I see that I have true friends now, and a loving boyfriend, who I love and trust. Still though, sometimes something will happen that sets off those feelings again. I start to feel depressed and I’ve debated whether or not I should just stop talking to people all together, but then I realize that that would just make the feelings worse. When that happens, it usually takes me like 10-20 minutes to get the feelings to stop.
