I’m having a ‘f*** it’ kind of day. Imagine that. I’d love to say its not a normal occurance, but I’d be lying. I don’t feel like doing that right now. I’m lost. I guess mostly in an extestenial kind of sense. I feel like selling most of my stuff and just going somewhere. I really have no clue where though. I should be sleeping, I’ve been trying and failing miserably. Seems like an analogy for my whole life. I know what you would probably say, and this goes for most generally kind people, that I’m being too hard on myself and to give myself a break. Sorry, but that doesn’t help a whole hell of a lot.
Let’s be realistic here for just a moment, since I’m just writing this for myself at the moment. I’m almost forty. Work for a big box retailer, overnight. I’m in love with a woman that’s engaged to another man, and she chose her life there over one with me. I understand, I don’t like it, but I do. I don’t own anything of measure. I’ve put too much emphasis on material things, but yet I have little. I waste my time sleeping and just laying around because I’m too depressed most of the time to do anything. I have no fire in my soul. Nothing that calls to me. I’m miserable, and I shouldn’t be.
I’m not say that I don’t have any problems, because like everyone else in the world, I do too. I’m still a hell of a lot better off than a lot of people, and the fact that I’m still feeling like this makes me feel guilty. It’s like a vicious f****** circle and I want to break free. I’m not sure if I’m chemically imbalanced or not. My father is, and finally started getting help for it a few years ago. I’m scared to find out. What if I am? I don’t want to take drugs and lose who I am in a haze of pills. I want to be me, even as fucked up as I am.
I think I should have been institutionalized probably three times in my life, once when my marriage collapsed (It was just as much my fault as her’s). Once when I lost my job, my girlfriend, and my grandfather all in the same week . The third time is when I lost a child a few years ago. I’m not sure it would have helped, I’m just not sure it wouldn’t have.
My life isn’t all bad, lest you think it is by my complaining. I have family that love me, friends too. I’m lucky to have them. I have a job, a roof over my head, food to eat . That’s more than so many people. I don’t know why I deserve it more than they do.
I just wish I didn’t feel so alone.