Hello, I’m so and so, and I’ve been thinking about ending my life for the past 2 months straight. It wasn’t so bad as it is now, however I recently went to a counselor to discuss what could be the source of my problem. I told him that I was angry, later on I found out that 2 things plague my mind; lack of support and the thought of being a disappointment. Throughout my childout I was bullied and my dad, although we had some good times, when I was younger he seemed like he didn’t like me probably because I was the hyper/weird kid, he and mom split when I was 8. I think it’s wrong to choose between a scary guy who you know is your father but you work hard to make him proud, and the mother who sits in tears knowing that her son would live far from her. I developed a habit of stealing small things and I’m battling urges to steal anything else, its always so exciting to just take what you want and not give a damn about what happens, just plan it out and you’re clear. Before counseling I started to dig a nail into my arm when I’d get too anxious and laugh and cry hysterically, I didn’t tell mom about how long I had been laughing crying but I told her about the nail, almost threw up. I’ve been single for 2 years, to be honest and you can say I’m an idiot, but the only thing that FEELS like it’s keeping me alive is the hope to find her, that special someone. But she would hate me in this state, to know the truth of what I love to do, what humor I have and what life means to me now just doesn’t seem normal. All you do in life is work, work so much and when we receive that small portion of TRUE HAPPINESS for a bit, it’s back to work. Work all day and everyday, then you die. You die and the world keeps spinning and you just rot away like the nothingness you are, doesn’t matter who you save or kill, the dead are always just dead. So why should hope anymore? Life is beautiful on rare occasions but it’s horrible and cruel, the world that supports this life is evil. When I was younger, I blamed God for all my problems, eventually I learned to face it but I always wonder now, when I die, I believe that I’ll be judged in heaven, byGod and everyone who glanced at me from above. Honestly I feel like Hell is the obvious place for me, I’m nothing, I’m a smart guy sure but dammit all I make no jumps in life and NOW I HAVE!!!
I’m currently making my way to becoming a military man, I’m looking for the hardest job I could find, I hear only 20% make it and everyday I work hard just for that. I’ve gained 20lbs and I’ve become much stronger and faster and just all around different looking. However I feel like nothing has changed, still think about ending it even now. Doesn’t matter what I do, in the end it’s only more work and the closer I’ll be to the grave anyways so why bother anymore. I fight myself, choosing everyday between a razor blade or a weight and a bike and pool and sweat and heat and pain and more work. Some people say I look different but I haven’t changed. I can’t talk a girl, it feels so… Far off. I put on a mask everyday, I never tell anyone stuff like this no matter how bad I want to, they’d just say “you need help” and “that s**** man”. Why can’t i tell someone and then that person say “I’m sorry, but you can do it!” Or give me a hug or something, that’s all.i love my mom, but she doesn’t think about this stuff as much, we’ve had a talk or two about me killing myself before counseling. She couldn’t understand, it was like black and white with her just as it was for me.
I believed once, that people who die are judged and blessed with mercy and go to heaven. I heard that anyone who “threw away gods gift of life” would be punished. I believed it was weak to kill yourself, like you’d be running away from your problems. I never took into account the real s*** people go through, child abuse, loss of parents, starvation, bullying, isolation. I never understood why anyone would want to cut themselves, but I did it. No matter how badly I fought the urge, I just did it, it hurt and the blood was only a little but I felt sick after that because of what I had done. The pain felt better than just that emotional crap. Now my motto has become “I leave everything and everyone behind to themselves, I go now to my mission, I go to die.” Sounds corny yeah but at least I’ll be out of the picture one day, my close friends and I have stopped speaking, they’re making dumb choices and they won’t listen, so I gave up and silently walked away.
Everyday feels meaningless, I still get excited about stealing a keychain or something but I fight the urge. I feel kind of dulled, like nothing seems to affect me much. The hope of finding that special women grows less and less worth it, why bother? She couldn’t change anything, she wouldn’t want to, if I were her, I’d be the average human and leave me alone because I’m just like the people I left alone. I’m a real a** when it comes to choosing a lady too, real picky. Most of all though, it’s that when she sees me, in this state that I’ll be in, what will she do? Run away or spit at me because maybe she wouldn’t understand, maybe she’d laugh and say “I’ve already got a man”. Would she hold me like how I love to hold her, would she bare some of my pain just like if love to take hers, truly if/ when I meet this women, I would do anything for her, nothing else much matters to me now anyways. She would be my hope made real, I’d do anything to make her happy, I’d chop my arms and legs off for her if she asked me to, I don’t know why but that wouldn’t matter, it’s her who asked me, her who would underatand me and love me and say “don’t work so hard, hunk!” Or “I love you”, boy that’d be swell to hear that from her, oh my god I’d be so happy to die for her if I could, I’d be so happy to hear that I’d cry, I’d cry and laugh hysterically and tell her thank you, thank you so much for loving an a** like me, a worthless piece of garbage, I don’t deserve it but here you are in my life! I’m truly blessed!
Now for my adventure to begin, 20 years of surviving, until retirement or death. I feel better for saying all this, I’m scared to hit send. After anyone who reads this, I might already be dead, who knows! I still hope everyday yaknow, for her, someday sit isn’t as bad, but she should be out there right? I’m an a******, I know how to be nice and how to be cold. I’m a coward who wouldn’t throw a punch or kick for anything, I may have made progress but I’m still the same skinny boy I once was, scared, angry, sad. I wonder If I even deserve her love, who ever she may be, she would have to be an angel.