I deliberately friendzoned a guy who was treating me better than any other ever did. I did so not because he lives all across the state, we work together

12 years

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I deliberately friendzoned a guy who was treating me better than any other ever did. I did so not because he lives all across the state, we work together every summer (we organise trips and hikes for childern and it can get really psychically demanding, so I know very well I need to keep my judgement clean) and he’s got a kid with his stalking ex-wife.

I did it cause I am a dedicated single. I’ve been bullied, met few bad types (fortunatelly discovered them before starting any real relationship), and I just can’t handle being with another person, my solitude actually makes me really comfortable and protects me.

Now, because he is still single (and not so happy or at least fine about it as I am) he got into deep depressions, repeating that “there is not a girl, who would like him for who he really is”. I am the only one who knows he was thinking of commiting suicide.
Still I, despite being a tough girl, did not have the courage to tell him he’s wrong. I am not sure he would understand this cliche that “it’s not you, it’s me”, eventhough it’s true. And I don’t want to lose him as a friend, now that I finally have one.

So I just sit by my phone, sometimes even whole night, and text him that “he will once find a girl who’ll be like no girl before” and that “it’s all gonna be alright”. Probably because I feel guilty cause I know, that I could end his troubles if I just told him…or maybe double them for us both, and that’s why I never did.

I thought that if I kill the feeling inside like I killed many before, everything’s gonna be fine. But now it’s not and I think my strategy is turning against me. I’m not gonna tell him, hoping some girl will appear that will. Then I will probably lose him too, because he will be with that girl, which is of course more than a girlfriend (not for me, but I understand most of the people have it that way), but at least it will be clear and happy, right?

New Confession

It’s a official!

The Toronto District Catholic School Board verified with me that Sister Marie Howorth had no fuc kin right in holy hell to ask me the question,

“Now Carm, your father died, was that sudden?”

My father’s death was simply none of Sister Marie Howorth’s dam business. It’s my privacy and it’s my grief (mind you it’s difficult to grieve a man that called my mother an ugly warthog).

According to the Toronto District Catholic School Board,

“If you didn’t disclose to Sister Marie that your father died, she should have asked about him.”

The Toronto District Catholic School Board has verified with me that Sister Marie ,

“Did not handle my situation well.”

And the former Deputy Director of the M.S.S.B had not right to ask Sister Marie nor my guidance counselor to talk to me about my dead father.

I am human and I am allowed to be touched by stories about young people who die tragically.

I am allowed to be touched by “Jane” and I am allowed to say that she influenced by life in a positive way, leading me to friendships that led me to work in the North.

The M.S.S.B Deputy Director had every right to be offended by me. I regret …I fuc kin regret contacting him….But I wish he could have told me to just stop contacting him and his family instead of sending Sister Marie Howorth to psychologically torture me….

F*** YOU Sister Marie Howorth! The school board takes my life! Forcing a conversation about the nature of my dad’ s death DOES NOT SHOW THE LIGHT OF CHRIST! Far from it! It’s completely depraved of compassion!

F*** YOU Judy Wright if you feel your Sister Mare Howorth had a right to ask me invasive questions about my father’s death, cause the school board TAKES MY SIDE. AND F*** YOUR UNCLE as his son was caught stealing VCRs at the Honeydale Walmart, as noted in the March 1999 Etobicoke Life paper!!!

SISTER MARIE HOWORTH HAD NO FUC KIN RIGHT TO ASK ME PRIVATE QUESTIONS ABOUT MY FATHER’S DEATH…SHE HAD NO F*** IN RIGHT TO PRY INTO MY PERSONAL TRUAMA….I’ll scream that on a mountain top if I have to!

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