12 years
x
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Dear Aruna,
I was alone those days and you came..at first it was like just another new girl friend for me.. I don’t know when I fell so bad for you.. I miss everything ..every little things..you used to love me so much ..I was a douchebag.. I really was.. Never cared about little things you expected..all I did was lie and lie to your face…only part I didn’t lie was I love you..I really did..it was real for me..everything..you are with him now..he makes you happy ..I know ..I miss you boksi ,I miss you attti atti atti(a lot) ..I know what I did..I ruined everything… everything was my fault.. I dont know what it is love or not..but it hurts to know you are not here with me and never will be..It hurts you are with some one else…I feel guilty everytime..everything you said was right I know I am a douchebag.. I thought you could understand me in this whole f****** world… where the f*** are you ??? I miss you baby I miss you..I am sorry … I want to forget you but I think I never will … I am with nobody that was another lie.. I dont know why I did that … I am wrong to think whatever I may do you’ll be there for me.. I know … anyways I am sorry baby boo ..I really am … I hate to live in this hell :/

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When I was in college my roommate was raped and murdered in a stairwell. I left that school and later completed my degree on line. I lived with my mother.

I had a long time jib working for a cupcake store. One random day a man stopped for a birthday cupcake for his secretary. I asked him if men still had secretaries. He asked if I had an education. Since I had a degree I could be his secretary, the birthday girl was moving.

The company offices had fifty people, mostly male, engineers. The other females were all young, dressed well, fawned over the men. Hired for their looks. I was hired for my looks, 22 blonde.

The man, he wanted a secretary who was affectionate to him. Kiss on the cheek every morning. Wore dresses, a little cleavage. A slap across the a** type of man. He kissed me in his office, felt me up and told me he was coming to my house. I told him I lived with my mother.

He showed up and my mother told me to serve him. He told her he was there for me. He saw me at the cupcake store and decided to marry me.

My mother asked Jim questions, like interviewing him for me. He passed, professional, manager, good job, but how did she know if he could father children. I got married anyways , fingers crossed.

Five years without children. Five years of keeping myself away from him. Five years of this and that girl. He turned 33, I either got pregnant or he would leave me.

Coercion. Blackmail. Forced to comply. It was as awful as I imagined. You only give up your virgin status once. It was awful. What can I say. He repeated it to make sure I got pregnant.

You see, my college roommate was my lover. When I lost her everything ended for me. I married him to please my mother. It’s awful, what can I say. I’m cheating on her memory. This child in me, if I have a girl I will name her after Cristina.