I fell for this guy. This stupid guy, this guy I should never have a true loving feeling for. Despite all of the hate and denial people have, I still fell for him. I have every reason not to love him. Every time I’ve been with him, though, it’s been unreal.
For someone who has been depressed for the majority of her life, the feeling of true happiness seems extremely foreign. I’m not even sure if I had felt it before I met him. He changed my life. Now that I have felt true happiness and I have seen the man I’m destined for, I cannot seem to let him out of my head or think the right way. My brain has shut down. All I do is question authority, remember the way he felt, and dream of being somewhere that we can both be accepted together.
God, my great-grandmother (in Heaven), Fate, and Destiny have shown me that he is the one for me and they brought us together. I wasn’t a spiritual person before I met him. I didn’t know it, but I was losing my way. I was about to go back to hating myself. I was about to slip into a deep depression. When I met this guy, that changed.
I still remember the first time we met.
I remember when I came home that night after the show.
I was so happy. I was the happiest I had been in forever. I was in tears because of HAPPINESS… not sadness. It was the sweetest taste of adrenaline, the sweetest sugar rush of childhood.
I ran into the house, basically screaming, “OH MY GOSH, MOM. THAT BAND WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND WE GOT TO MEET AND TALK TO THE BASSIST FOR A WHILE!” Then I felt the stiff air of the empty household surround me. My parents were out for the night (even then, it was 11:15). Looking back now, I guess this should’ve been a sign that 1) I would love this guy and 2) My parents wouldn’t be supportive of our love.
It’s crazy to think that this was almost a year ago. One year. It’s flown by us. We’ve only seen each other five times in the past year, but each time grew more intimate. He’s one of my only joys in life. Actually, here are the main joys of my life (not in order):
-This phenomenal gentleman
-Performing with my band
-Writing music
-Spending time with my friend JV
-Spending quality time with my dog and cats (I know, lame, but they’re adorable)
-Buying new music equipment/clothing/shoes (when my wallet doesn’t hurt)
Six things.
SIX.
Whatever, ya know. I know that when he and I can be together, truly, that I will be happy all the time. I always get a huge smile on my face whenever I remember that he and I are destined for each other. Sometimes I even cry.
What did I do to deserve something so perfectly horrible?
I love him. I love this. I love my life for the first time EVER.
I always thought I was in love with someone. Truth is, I’ve only crushed on maybe four guys.. I always thought they were the one.
Now that I have the man that I am certain is the one, I’m in such doubt. Could it be that simple? This is a fairy-tale: I’m the princess; He’s the guy that nobody thinks will get the girl, but in the end he does.
It’s so perfect. I will surely f*** it up somehow. I always manage to.
People are constantly telling me that it won’t happen… What happens if I start to believe them? I’m just kind of nervous that I’ll be overpowered by all of the other voices. Truth is, I stand for equal love to all. Whoever you love, you go love them. Nobody can tell you to mask your own feelings to fit into society. I’m the present day outlaw. I guess it’s fitting to my rock-star self, but when I was little, I never thought I would have this mindset. It’s still strange to me today. I have the most stereotypical “rocker” appearance, attitude, and outlook. I haven’t tried to be anyone besides myself, honestly. I’ve done what just feels right.
I guess that’s why I met him.
Ever since I met him, I have felt myself. I have seen my future. My head has been clear, but somehow still cloudy. I haven’t changed a thing about myself except the hatred I had bottled up inside. Love does that to you. It grabs you by the waist, whispers into your ear, squeezes out the poison in you with every grab of the waist, and leaves you begging for more.
Sure, am I worried that I’m not good enough for him? Maybe, sometimes. Doesn’t every person in a relationship go through that occasionally? I want to be so good for him. He deserves it. When I was little, I would never understand why people would say, “You make me want to be a better man,”. He made me realize and really feel what that means. It’s so hard to explain, but it is real, and sometimes it hurts. I want to be the best me that I can be. That’s who I am around him. When I’m with him, I feel like I can just say the stupidest stuff in the world, but he’ll just laugh, put his arm around me, and kiss me on the cheek. Sometimes that’s all we need. That’s all some of us need.
When I’m with him, that’s when I feel the actual world. That’s when I see the world for what it can be. He took me out of the world I knew and put me in this odd one. Everything is perfect somehow, but it takes time to discover why.
I never knew why people would scream from the rooftops that they were in love.
I do now.
I never knew why girls would dance around in their bedrooms, gab on the phone with girlfriends, or call a guy “dreamy”.
I’m guilty of doing all of that.
I never knew how someone could be speechless in describing a person now.
I’m lost for words.
I never knew how it felt to fall in love.
I know now.