I am deeply in love with a man – a truly wonderful man. I’ve never met someone as special as him before. He makes me truly happy. However, he has deep issues with trust and letting someone in. This causes him occasionally to try and push people away before he can let them in, giving them the chance to hurt him. He tried to push me away a month ago, by using my worst fear against me.
I was angry. So, so angry. So I retaliated, in the worst way I know how. I went on the dating site we met on, and messaged all his top matches, telling them to stay away from him. I told myself I didn’t want other women to be hurt by him, but this was a lie – I didn’t want any other competition.
Soon we made up, and I forgot about that profile, until last night. Something possessed me to sign in again. I should have just deleted it, but I felt like I had to go on one more “warning spree,” in order to guarantee no one would speak to him. Of course, this is when it all went to hell, because someone notified him of the smear campaign.
He asked me if I’m the one who did it. I can’t tell him I am, because then he’d hate me forever. I’m such a coward. It’s just…I’ve put so much into this relationship. I’ve been burned so many times before, and I just know this could turn into something special, if only he’s willing to make that small step and trust me. And yet, he can’t trust me anymore, because I did something so cowardly and despicable.
I hate myself.
