12 years
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I think I might have a small bit of racism in me even though I am puerto rican and thus mixed. I am improving but it shames me to know I have small racist knee jerk thoughts or reactions at times. I blame my family for this for instilling this attitude in me since I was a child and making me feel ashamed for having a crush on certain people. Again I have gotten over it or at least I am getting there but I feel like I will never totally be the person I want to be and feel resentment for having been taught this way. My family has sort of close minded attitude and they try to deny it but it shows all the time if they see a black and a white kissing or two women kissing. It shows in their reactions and I grew up witnessing those reactions daily. I am much better than before but my past fills me up with so much shame and depression. I hate myself for feeling this way and even now feel like I’m just coming up with excuses for myself. If I try to discuss this with my family they think I’m being silly. I truly hate myself and regret some of the things I have said. If I could meet that person again I would allow him to do whatever he wanted to me to make up for my behavior. Anything. I feel so much shame and it hurts so badly. I cringe when I think of my past. Why was I such a horrible and ignorant human being?

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I f****** hate you (bf) , you f****** manipulative,hypocrite, emotionally abusive, vaping, life draining, wannabe player b******. I.HATE YOU. I still deeply resent you. This is why everyone thinks you’re an a****** at your job. You’re not some anti-hero that you claimed to be. No- You’re just an a******. Point blank . Especially to me of all people! You always take it out on me, and you still wonder why I won’t touch you like that or shut down completely with you. Everytime you sense or feel even an inch that im happy, peaceful, something I enjoy doing you immediately smash that down so you can feel better and have power over me. What’s funny is that every time you’re in the wrong, overstep your boundaries, make me really upset or talk crap to me – karma smacks you right in the face everytime & you don’t even realize it. Funny how you’ve said yourself that people spit at the sky just for it to come back-yet you’ve done the exact same thing too – you’re not godlike or safe from getting karma, even I’ve dealt with karma too when I was in the wrong many times too. So no- you’re not a misunderstood dark knight turn bad like the joker you claim to be. You’re just an egotistical bigoted jerk & everyone can see that except you. I hate myself that I fell for your facade – lovebomb trap years ago . And all the times that you’ve talked crap about other’s appearances, especially women’s, karma yet again smacked you in the face & put on a ton of weight and still wonder why you haven’t lost pounds but still continue on demanding me to cook & make you even more food despite you complaining about it , hmmmm , gee I wonder why. Anyways , glad to vent that out .