I am still kind of in love with an ex of mine. We were together for a year and a half, and tomorrow would be our 2 year anniversary. I've been scared of

12 years

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I am still kind of in love with an ex of mine. We were together for a year and a half, and tomorrow would be our 2 year anniversary. I’ve been scared of this day for months. I have gone through stages of hating him, and staged of wanting nothing more than to be at his side for the rest of time. But, he cheated on me several times, and in such terrible ways. He has now found a new girl named Laura, and I don’t know what to do. She is so stupid. I’ve tried warning her, and as much as I hate to say it, I am envious of her. Because he ‘saved her life’. All the while, he is the reason I’ve now tried to end mine. Twice. I went to him for help, and all he did was get mad at me, and make me feel like s*** for feeling like s***. Every day I wake up, I lose him. Every time I try to fall asleep. I lose him. I hate myself passionately for every second he flickers in my thoughts. I’m just waiting for the day I either perish, or my feelings for him do. There is nothing I want more, then his happiness. Even though, mine should be worth more to me. I am so guilt-ridden because I still have so many feelings for him, and he seems to have finally started moving on. I just hope that something happens soon, because I can’t take this hopeless depression much longer. I’m about to give up on him, and everyone else. My mom doesn’t even know how much I hate myself, and she un-knowingly fuels the fire. I just wish there were an easier way out.

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I f****** hate you (bf) , you f****** manipulative,hypocrite, emotionally abusive, vaping, life draining, wannabe player b******. I.HATE YOU. I still deeply resent you. This is why everyone thinks you’re an a****** at your job. You’re not some anti-hero that you claimed to be. No- You’re just an a******. Point blank . Especially to me of all people! You always take it out on me, and you still wonder why I won’t touch you like that or shut down completely with you. Everytime you sense or feel even an inch that im happy, peaceful, something I enjoy doing you immediately smash that down so you can feel better and have power over me. What’s funny is that every time you’re in the wrong, overstep your boundaries, make me really upset or talk crap to me – karma smacks you right in the face everytime & you don’t even realize it. Funny how you’ve said yourself that people spit at the sky just for it to come back-yet you’ve done the exact same thing too – you’re not godlike or safe from getting karma, even I’ve dealt with karma too when I was in the wrong many times too. So no- you’re not a misunderstood dark knight turn bad like the joker you claim to be. You’re just an egotistical bigoted jerk & everyone can see that except you. I hate myself that I fell for your facade – lovebomb trap years ago . And all the times that you’ve talked crap about other’s appearances, especially women’s, karma yet again smacked you in the face & put on a ton of weight and still wonder why you haven’t lost pounds but still continue on demanding me to cook & make you even more food despite you complaining about it , hmmmm , gee I wonder why. Anyways , glad to vent that out .