I hate what I’ve done. The guilt keeps me from even enjoying my life. I didn’t know what I was doing was wrong back then, but a part of me knew it wasn’t right because I hid it. I was young and stupid. I was only 12. I dry humped with my younger stepbrother and stepsister a few times, and one other time with my younger sister. Called it the “doggy game.” I feel disgusting. I want to tell them I’m sorry, to ask for their forgiveness, but I’m afraid of someone I know finding out what I did. I was raped when I was only 2 years old, up until I was 4 from what I can remember, and I feel so messed up and confused. I try and avoid any situations where I’m around young children, especially situations in which they have little to no clothes on. I get these strange urges that make me want to reach out and touch them, but I don’t. I control myself. I feel disgusting. As soon as the thought to touch them enters my mind I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me? I’m now 21 and married. My husband doesn’t know. He wants to have kids and I do too, but I’m afraid that I’ll have those urges around them. That I’ll hurt them. I’m scared. I pray to God that He will forgive me, that He will take these urges away.
