I just did something really stupid. I know why I did it, and I know it was wrong, but it doesn’t justify my doing it. I’m sitting here now typing this in hopes of finding a sense of relief but it isn’t coming. I’m not in any danger nor is anyone else; I’m not contemplating taking my own life, but I am sad. I’m not a bad person; I pride myself on helping others, and I’m even in the process of becoming a police officer. Yet, this mistake is tearing me apart; it wasn’t illegal, it wasn’t harmful physically to anyone else, but all the same, it makes me feel sad. I’ve been through a lot, and that isn’t a teenage, hormonal exaggeration. I’ve experienced growing up without a father. I’ve experienced being physically abused by a stepfather. I’ve experienced many things beyond that, and I feel that’s made me strong. But, nothing could’ve prepared me for this feeling of guilt, this feeling of self-disappointment. I usually don’t turn to “solutions” such as an online confessional like this one, and being honest this is my first one. I don’t know if anyone will read this, I don’t know if anyone will care. I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow. I don’t know how to resolve this issue. I do know, however, that I am sorry, and In today’s world, when someone is honestly, truly sorry, that’s just as valuable as gold, people just have to believe it. I’m not scared to resolve this issue, I just don’t like hurting people. Okay, maybe I am a little scared. I’m scared to hurt someone with the truth. If you’re reading this, you probably are guessing what it is I did, and to that I’ll just say, make up your own story, personalize it. I apologize but I don’t think I’m going to say. But does it really matter? What do you know up until this point? That I’m a young man, who’s had a sob story to tell while he continuously hints at some f***-up that has occurred at his doing, and he is extremely sorry for what he did, and it genuinely makes him sad at the thought of it? Poor me. I sit here now, wiping dried tears and snot from my face, and trying to wake up from what I’m praying to be a dream. I’m not a bad person, I just made a mistake; I made a stupid mistake. I’m not a stupid person either, but I still made a stupid mistake; funny how that works. You know, a persons’ self-awareness and self-judgment can be the hardest critic. If you truly have a conscience and have a definitive line between right and wrong and you cross it, you are the worst possible source of punishment. Self-destructiveness doesn’t have to be slitting wrists or drinking your sorrows away. Self-destructiveness can be words, mental brands that you put on yourself that cause you to feel more guilty and cause you to keep spiraling downward. The only way to wipe away the mark that a brand leaves is to ask for forgiveness. And that’s the catch. See, someone can forgive you a hundred thousand times, and it could make a difference to them; it can be alright in their eyes, and their mind. But forgiving yourself? Wiping away the brand that you yourself seared onto yourself? That isn’t easily done. Forgiving yourself is one of the hardest emotional and mental hurdles a person can take on. No one knows how you feel exactly except you. No one knows what thoughts and decisions led to your mistake like you do. No one can ever know because it’s unique to you; it’s your mistake, it’s your f***-up. There’s no one to blame but yourself and you know that. That’s why you can’t forgive yourself so easily, because there’s no excuse! You can’t talk your way out of it, you can’t lie, you can’t sugar-coat it to make it seem better than it really is, because you know the truth, you know what you did, and you can’t trick yourself. You can’t lighten the load of guilt in any way shape or form. Unless, you find it somewhere to forgive yourself. I’m looking for that right now, I’m looking on how to forgive myself. I just hope I find it. I appreciate anyone who reads this and I hope that it can be a distraction or even entertainment, because some people enjoy others’ misery, I won’t judge that. I understand I posted this publicly so do with it what you wish. I am okay, I’m not going to hurt myself or others, so don’t worry. I’m just sad. And I’m disappointed in myself. It’s Wednesday, March 19th, at around 11:13 p.m.; I should get going. Thanks for reading.