I gave up Alcohol cause I am a raving, loony drunk. Been through White-knuckle, Rehab, AA, etc. So far I’ve manage to keep sober on and off for roughly 17 years if you take out falling off the proverbial wagon a couple of times. But … I enjoy herb every single solitary day, drink coffee, smoke the occasional pack cigarette. Here’s the thing. I am useless, low energy, lazy a**, leach, addicted to XANAX or any Benzo available AND the Internet (although not for p*** — just everything else). The depression makes me feel I don’t deserve to f****** live. But I cannot just leave my husband and children behind to clean up the mess and deal with (either relief) or damage. My intelligence knows life is beautiful, sacred, finite. But a lot of the time these days I don’t give a flying f***. And yet if I start drinking again it always gets worse. Damned if I do OR don’t.