I think what I have figured out is: I want to be important to someone.
I’m sure the reply is, “But you are important to me!” But what I think is going on is your interpretation of my being important to you is different from my interpretation of being important to you. I am important to you because you got a feeling of power every time you hurt me, made different rules for me, put your hands on me, broke my things or cheated on me and lied to my face. That’s why I am important to you. After all, where will you get that sense of power you love so much if I am suddenly not here to intimidate and devalue? If I am not here, how can you wheel off the road into anxiety and accusation and capture that feeling of intensity that makes you feel so alive? That’s the “importance” I had for you. You’re not worried one bit about how any of what you did affected me. At all. You only wanted your drug and I was the medium for that.
My interpretation of being important to someone is when I am able to uplift and inspire. When my presence promotes a sense of freedom and love and inspiration in another– regardless of what I do or don’t do. When I am encouraged to be who I am, instead of discounted. When I am viewed as utterly worthy of respect rather than disdain. When I am valued as an individual rather than an object to shape and twist and bend into the image YOU think I need to be so you can feel better. My interpretation of being important to someone is when they like what I am and want me to be MORE of it. Not less.
I know now there is no way for a man who, deep down, does not view anything about his own being as important to look on or value anyone or anything else as important. There will be no faith in anyone or anything. Therefore, I will never again humble myself to a man who has not humbled himself to God. Thanks for that lesson.
Nonetheless, the good news for me is I always get what I want. And I’m excited that someday, I’ll be important to someone. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but whenever it comes, the timing will be perfect. Who knows who it will be or what that person is doing right now in what corner of the globe. Just remember, every time you hurt me, I wished for respect. Every time you were mean, I wished for kindness. Every time you were accusatory and hurtful, I wished to be important enough to someone that they would never even consider letting a tear fall from my eye unless it came from a place of joy.
And, because you WOULDN’T reign yourself in, these desires were repeated often over the years. And now I know I was heard. This is why you can’t stay in my life. Room must be made for the one who is coming that will love me the way I deserve. Does that hurt or anger you? Well, it shouldn’t. You, in essence, will be the one that brought him. You are the one, after all, who time and again chose cruelty over compassion. What do you think my wishes and desires would have been if, time and again, you had chosen the opposite?
So, since I always get what I want, thank you. Both of our self-fulfilling prophecies have and will come about. You feared you would lose me and you did. And now I get to wait in pleasant expectation of someone who’s going to love me the way I deserve. When I think about it, that’s really got to s*** for someone ingrained with a pathological need to win. For the rest of your life, despite all your clever, ingenious attempts, you get to walk around knowing, YOU LOST. And because I’m finally going to get someone who’s going to truly love me? That’s right… I WIN A******.
P.S. It’s funny how this isn’t even the first time this has happened to you. More like the third, now. All of your major relationships in life have ended (basically) the same with you losing out because of your behavior. Yet, somehow this doesn’t inspire you to shape up or rethink your modus operandi at all. Hm. Perhaps you really are sick. Oh well, I’m sure your mom will still have you. In fact, she may be the only woman who will ever have you. And that in itself, well, it explains a whole hell of a lot.