Hello I’m Anonymous, 15 year old.
I’m kind of a sociopath, but medication keeps me being a normal person. People around me will usually say I’m a nice guy, kind, polite, funny… But my mind changes randomly, and I’m not that guy anymore. I just think strategic plans to torture the neighbors dog while I’m supposed to take care of it, I used to beat my young brother when I was 9 and he was 2-3, I don’t know why, but I used to enjoy it, I once throwed him with the baby cart off a parking ramp, I just said (He fell down for a sec, while I wasn’t watching). When I was 7, I remember torturing my uncle’s dog, by trying to rip off his tail, ears… Stepping on him… When I was 5 I got raped by a random guy in a kindengarten, it went all like if it was a game, I actually kinda enjoyed it. (This might be the cause of everything, but this still doesn’t justify my evilness)
After turning 10, they decided to medicate me so I would stop fighting with other kids in the school break, and think twice before doing things.
When I was 12, my life changed. I abused of little girls by touching them, telling them it was kind of a game…. Until I got caught by one father. That was probably the worst day of my life, with me feeling really really guilty for what I did, and what would my parents think of it when they know, I wanted to suicide somehow, but they prevented me from doing it, and took me to some kind of minor mental asylum in the city hospital, with drug addicts, psychopaths, weight related diseases who wanted to suicide too… They were all between ages 15-20
We had cold showers every day at 7:00 AM, what was really scary for me, some would just look at me and say what did this kid do? He’s so young…
I missed my parents so much, and as I was in suicide prevention, I couldn’t have visits, so I couldn’t attempt to escape and jump off a ledge, cut myself…
I started having visits after a month, because I behaved good (with my medication).
The first thing I said to my mom was “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again…”
After a whole summer in there, they finally decided to let me out, as I looked better after the interviews. I started highschool, making new friends, being stressed for homework, team works, etc… I lost my virginity with a normal girl, but suddenly, as people started to know me in detail, they started to get away from me, because of weird occurences that just escaped from my mouth at certain moments, or just because I couldn’t hide my real me more than 3 years… I just don’t really know.
But a week ago, it started again. I started torturing my pet turtle, just at short times of the day, and I watched as it pain-reacted, opening the mouth, trying to bite me as defense. And somehow I enjoyed that. But when it was at night, in the bed… I couldn’t sleep of what I was doing to my turtle! I have to stop doing that, poor turtle I’m such an evil person… But 2 days ago… I went too far. I stick a golf ball support thing up its throat, and ripped its intestine, because of too much force. I didn’t want to kill it, just see it suffer, but it started bleeding, and vomiting its limbs… And instead of feeling bad for what I did, I was just cleaning everything so my parents don’t find about.
But the next day, there it was… Not moving at all, dead… It looked natural because I cleaned all the blood. But my mother, who took care of the 1 year old turtle every day, started to make comments such “Poor turtle… Why did she die like this? She was so fine, starting to grow up… Just why? Heart attack?” I couldn’t listen to those comments, I then felt really really really bad, guilty, and wanting to die. I said I was feeling bad for the turtle’s death, but I was in fact feeling bad for me MURDERING it… We went to bury it in the mountain… All these days I’ve been holding my tears, as I have nowhere to cry, unless I want them to notice my unusual sadness for the turtle’s death, leading to me confessing it. (What I’m doing right now, because I can’t tell anyone, not even my psychiatrist). I’m planning on suicide, but I don’t want to get my family extremely sad…
But I don’t want to kill them either, because I don’t even know what I’m capable of after everything that happened.
This is a serious story, of my life. I had no childhood but giving my parents heart attacks because of me, only 5 years old, threatening my teacher to death…
Thanks for reading!