I am so sorry for everyone I’ve hurt or would’ve hurt. Especially X, I feel the worst for taking your photos, you’ll never know, I hope so badly you’ll never find out.. but it was degrading that I took them.
It’s so addicting once you start. I was just a kid when I started, and now I’m a teenager and I made it an art. It’s a half-reality and you can pretend that she is you. I changed names, of course, X, I changed it all, made a person up that doesn’t exist. This girl was lonely and insecure- like me- but unlike me, Y was beautiful, and gentle, and the fact she was self loathing didn’t matter to these guys that feel in love with, because she was /beautiful/. and had so many redeeming qualities. I’m sure these guys were f*** ups themselves, that they were attracted, like everyone is, to someone who needs fixing, but that’s not the point.
Y was lovely and I’m attached to her so badly. I guess I am the writer and she is the character that’s living a half-life. Half dreams and half reality. Do I do it to pass the time? Yes. My life is so boring, I’m so awkward and anxious and not enough and too much. It feels so good when I do it, like a drug. It’s an escape. Is that so bad? It must be. I’m playing with feelings, real peoples feelings, and my own. God. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean to do it.
I will stop this time. I will never do it again. But I’ll always feel so guilty. And I’ll always want to do it again. 🙁
