Sometimes, I just hate why I ended up with my current boyfriend..

It’s not that I don’t like or love him, but I feel my life completely went upside down because of him. I just wanted some love. Why did I ended up with this?

If it’s not because of him, I wouldn’t have to stop studying.
If it’s not because of him, I would have helped my parents.
If it’s not because of him, I will still see and be with my family every month, week, or so.
If it’s not because of him, I would have still in contact with my friends.
If it’s not because of him, I will still be able to explore my life.
If it’s not because of him, I would still get to make my dreams come true.
If it’s not because of him, I wouldn’t have to keep his baby. He promised he can raise the kid and give him at least a chance to be a father. BUT I AM NOT SEEING ANY INITIATION FROM HIM THAT HE WANTS TO BE A FATHER.
If it’s not because of him, I would still have my own freedom.

Ever since I get to be with him, everything turned around. My life was a complete mess before I met him. It got messier when I met him. I love him but there’s something wrong.

I must admit, I have the mistake as well since I let myself decide without thinking. He is my first boyfriend and I was too blinded by his love and lies. He ran his pretty mouth into me and made me believe that I can get the fairy tale life I was dreaming of if I stay with him. Stupid me, now I am suffering. Haha.

Most of the time, I feel like I am being jailed by him. Do not do this, do not do that. So many restrictions. He doesn’t even want me to get a job because ‘a man should provide everything’ which makes me feel like I am just freeloading from his money. I understand that he’s just trying to protect me from bad stuffs but I feel like I am not free at all. Then let’s add my current situation of being pregnant as well. It made me feel much worse. I don’t get to fully experience how is it to be a young adult.

I am not blaming him for everything. I just hate how things like this happened to me when I get to be with him..

It makes me feel much more that it’s better if I disappear in this world to escape everything. But I can’t, because I love him and my family.

But I am just so confused what to do.

I need help.