13 years
x
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My problem is, I get the feeling he wants to be with me because I make him happy, and when he thinks of us, he thinks of me making him happy. I don’t know if he thinks about making me happy. If he ever thinks about cheering me up if I feel bad. It’s bad of late, like that day he told me being upset is ‘knowing you may never have grandkids’. I understand what prompted him to say that, but he could have been more fair. I wish he was more fair. I wish he didn’t see me as an outside entity, but that’s what I feel like now. I feel scared now of talking to him. I feel scared of showing anything but my good side.
I like making him happy, but sometimes, I run out of the intrinsic happiness. And I fear, these days XYZ might be better talking company than I am to him. I hate that he still talks to her despite knowing how uncomfortable I am with it. And after what she’s said about him.
Sometimes I hate him so strongly it scares me. I don’t want this. I want us to be happy. I want to be able to make him happy and help him be strong. I want to be with him. I know that so strongly. And I want this horrible mood to go away. Because I promised myself and God I’d be strong enough for him. I have to be, for him, for myself, for my family. I can handle it. Seeing them happy, will eventually make me feel much better. For now though, I need to banish these evil thoughts. I have to be happy.

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