The leading edge of the feces was hard and impacted. Remnants of a bowel movement past, the sharp corner of turd gave way to soft-serve s*** with the consistency of mud – not unlike how rock gives way to muskeg in the Canadian north.

Overall, the s*** was magnificent however; a high volume of soft, fibrous, golden brown sludge. The stench hit quickly, a medley of sulfur, rotting meat and garlic. My nose burned while my c*** hardened. Instinctively, I began m***********, breathing deeply.