I’m scared that the more time I spend alone, the less I care about hurting people. I’ve always had this horrible power fantasy where I torture people who have emotionally abused me just to see the looks of helplessness and fear on their faces, just to see them break. I want them to feel weak, and I want to be the one who makes them suffer. I’ve imagined, in-depth, how I want to hurt them and degrade them. After tonight, being around extended family and one person in particular I dislike, I can feel bits of that person seeping out. I’ve always tried to be kind or at least neutral toward everyone, but I can’t seem to care anymore. I want people to stop thinking they have the right to make judgmental, dismissive, or hateful comments, and step all over my words like their thoughts are far more important than anything I have to say. I want to tell him outright to shut the festering c*** on his face before I ram a knife through his jaw and shut it for him.
I hate this part of me. I hate these thoughts. I want them to go away. Why won’t they just go away?