I am married. Have been for about the last 13 years. Around year 3, things were very very stressful, so I cheated. Later, due to the fact that my job places me in contact with a huge variety of women, I continued to cheat. At the time, I was very s******* confused as to what I wanted, although I knew what I didn’t like. Love making at home because boring, which angered me because it was so infrequent that I just chose easy women because I didn’t want to have to get to know anyone, or put in any actual investment into these extracurricular relationships. Around 5 years ago, I was caught cheating with a close mutual associate, and the situation just went completely downhill. We did eventually reconcile, and for around a 18 month period, I remained faithful, my longest period of monogamy since my first indiscretion. My wife has no earthly idea how many women I have actually had s** or s***** relations with. If she knew, she would be horrified. She would be even more disturbed if she knew that any number I gave would be inaccurate, as I have literally lost count.

After the 18 months preceding our latest reconciliation, things started to develop as they had before, when I initially cheated. However, I resisted the temptation until I met a woman at the job I now currently work. At first, she completely dismissed me, as I am not the most attractive of men, and she is VERY invested in physical appearance. However, we began to talk, first about just random subjects, and then later more intimate details of our lives. Long story short, we began a relationship, though we only had s** 3 times. The relationship lasted around 4 months. We both agreed that our relationship took a backseat to our “normal” lives, and were very discreet with our goings on, communication, time spend together, etc. But there was a tragic outcome to this chapter. At the time of our initial encounter, she was in the process of leaving her on again off again boyfriend of around 7 years. He is a mans’ man, a man that any woman would desire on sight, so when she told me that she had slept with him again, I reacted childishly, and broke it off. It is a decision I have regretted for the last two years. Why? Because I think that I fell in love with her. And at the outset of our relationship, we agreed to be friends. And we have been…best friends. She is no longer interested in me in a romantic or s***** relationship with me. Not even in the slightest, and has pretty much made this known (I was not s******* her cup of tea, but we did have fun together)

Now the problem is that she is VERY good at what she does (in the bedroom) and I’ve NEVER felt that way before…she made my body feel ways that I did not know a human could experience and still live. It was truly the kind of s** that changed my outlook on s** forever, and with anyone. And every since then I have cheated pretty much every chance that I get, trying to chase that feeling that she gave me. I’ve been chasing it for two years, and have yet to find it.

I do not want a relationship with my friend, as I am smart enough to know it will not work, given our current entanglements. But I just want to feel like that again, and after much searching, I realize that there will never be another that can make me feel like she does on all levels. I’ve been in love with my best friend for two years.

And it is not getting any easier.