This is not a confession I am proud of. Infact when I think about what Ive done/am doing I feel completely disgusted and ashamed.
I am 18 years old from the UK. While out one night I met a man who insisted on buying me a drink, he was 45, wearing a wedding ring, but completely charming. After talking all night in the club he asked to follow me on twitter. I agreed and we got chatting the next day. He was constantly complementing me, telling me how struck he was with how beautiful I looked that night. He asked how on earth I wasn’t already seeing guys but the truth is guys rarely ever noticed ne and so this attention felt amazing.
A few days later, he mailed me his number. I text him, and although in my heart I should’ve felt so wrong because I knew where this was going, it just felt so right. Since that day we have spoke nearly non stop.
He took me out for lunch at the best restraunts in my home town, took me to the coolest bars me and my friends had only heard of before, and bought me tiffany, prada and jimmy choos. He quickly became my everything.
One night in a bar he grabbed my face and whispered “I love you.” – I immediately said it back but wasn’t sure if I really meant it. How could I love him? He had a wife and two kids? Did he really love me? I felt loved but how could I really know?
The months past and I got deeper and deeper involved. He would promise me his marriage will never last, facetime me with his children and introduce them as “daddy’s new friend”, post secret messages to me on his facebook and twitter.
When my friends found out about this they all said goodbye, at that point I should’ve realised what I had to do but I didn’t. I stayed with this man who showed me everything I wanted in life, and he promised the world.
I had just one friend left. She knew someone who worked for him, and started to ask about him. She told me nothing that happened between me and him would effect our friendship, but I had to listen to what she has to say.
She told me one night he slept with a work colleague a night I should have been with him but couldn’t make it, I refused to believe it. She told me he had a vasectomy despite him promising we would have a family one day, I refused to believe it. She told me has more than four girlfriends, I refused to believe it. It was then I realised this was love, and also infatuation.
She sooned joined the others and said goodbye.
So now I have him. He promised me 2 weeks ago him and his wife were done and we should start looking for a place together. Since that day, nothing. I always told him I never wanted him to get a divorce for the sake of kids, and I truly truly meant that. Seeing him hurt the night he left over his children crushed me. But now he is back at home, he doesn’t text for hours at a time somenights, and has stopped talking about his home life altogether.
I never thought I wanted him so bad but now I’ve had a taste of a possibility of a life with him. I don’t know what to do or say. Im terrified hes lying to me all the time – I cry each day thinking hes with someone else.
I want to let go so much and get back the life I had before I met him. I don’t care about any gift hes ever gave me, I want him out my life. But whenever I feel like I can do it, I get an ache in my chest like nothing else.
I hate the person Ive become, I hate the person I might still become.
I know what I should do, but how when Im in so deep?
