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I don’t feel whole.
As of late I haven’t been feeling the same compared to how I was juts a couple of months ago. Somewhere and I don’t know when I started to feel like this, but I don’t feel whole. It’s like parts of not only my character but my feelings aren’t intact either. Everything feels dull and lackluster, when I’m happy I don’t feel fully happy, when I’m sad I don’t feel fully sad, when I’m hungry I don’t feel fully hungry, even pain from self harm feels duller. I feel like a light about to go out, the dimming of a fluorescent lightbulb. Everything also seems a lot dimmer, like genuinely it’s as though someone dimmed down the lights. It can still be bright though. I don’t say that in a metaphorical sense I genuinely do see this dimming and brightening, I’m explaining it poorly I swear but it’s true. But back to the whole feeling duller thingy, I just don’t know what to make of it because I’ve always been a very emotional person but when I cry it almost feels forced sometimes but I am sad and I know that I need to cry in that moment so I make it happen, I feel less than human sometimes as well. I don’t know if I’m depressed or something else but I don’t know how to fix this situation or proceed in general. Even in this very moment I will a pain of worry but even it feels wrong, I’m worried that this may affect my relationships. I have a girlfriend and I have had the best moments of my life with her and I don’t want to ruin anything. I wish I was good enough for her, I try so hard for her, but I feel like I’ll never be enough for someone like her. Sorry for the whole tangent.

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I have worked hard to be the person I am. I have a management position at my place of work. I began there after covid and until recently enjoyed working with the franchise.

I don’t attend company functions or socialize with others at work keeping it completely business like. No one there really knows much about my family other than what little things I have revealed.

At the beginning of the year another woman was hired. Not in my department but in the same company. I never need to even talk with her. Our company requires us to use a payroll app for HR type functions such as scheduling work shifts, days off etc. This app has some social media type features and recognizes birthdays and work anniversaries for other employees totally violating my privacy.

This woman noticed our birthdays were within days of each other. She somehow decided to dig for information about me. Probably from the countless online databases. My daughter stopped in from college as the semester ended to make some financial transactions I needed to have notarized.

This woman chatted a minute and learned she was 20. I am 34 and did the math. Rumors spread like wildfire. Ok I had her while 14. I love her dearly. I had support of my family. Raised her, continuing my education and later raising her as a single mom.

Now I dread going to work because I feel I’ve lost confidence in my position there. It was never a secret among my family and friends and others I went to school with but now I feel like I’m being judged by these people that don’t even know us.