I don’t feel whole.
As of late I haven’t been feeling the same compared to how I was juts a couple of months ago. Somewhere and I don’t know when I started to feel like this, but I don’t feel whole. It’s like parts of not only my character but my feelings aren’t intact either. Everything feels dull and lackluster, when I’m happy I don’t feel fully happy, when I’m sad I don’t feel fully sad, when I’m hungry I don’t feel fully hungry, even pain from self harm feels duller. I feel like a light about to go out, the dimming of a fluorescent lightbulb. Everything also seems a lot dimmer, like genuinely it’s as though someone dimmed down the lights. It can still be bright though. I don’t say that in a metaphorical sense I genuinely do see this dimming and brightening, I’m explaining it poorly I swear but it’s true. But back to the whole feeling duller thingy, I just don’t know what to make of it because I’ve always been a very emotional person but when I cry it almost feels forced sometimes but I am sad and I know that I need to cry in that moment so I make it happen, I feel less than human sometimes as well. I don’t know if I’m depressed or something else but I don’t know how to fix this situation or proceed in general. Even in this very moment I will a pain of worry but even it feels wrong, I’m worried that this may affect my relationships. I have a girlfriend and I have had the best moments of my life with her and I don’t want to ruin anything. I wish I was good enough for her, I try so hard for her, but I feel like I’ll never be enough for someone like her. Sorry for the whole tangent.
