Christmastime always takes me back to memories of Yuletide joy: the family gathering around the tree; exchanging gifts amidst the warmth of fellowship and so much good food!

Then after dinner after the old folks went to bed, I would slide under the glass coffee table and Beauregard would climb atop it and squat. The anticipation would be torturous as I waited for his sphincter to burst forth its filthy payload. Finally, as the liquid s*** rattled off glass and obscured my view, I would m********* myself to o*****.